Something about you

Between shaking voices,
awkward silences,
hands and faces too close,
nervous glances,
heads swimming with doubts,
silent talks,
private conversations,
deep longing,
intense wanting,
and unexpressed feelings

I find myself falling for you.

There is no rational reason
except that you seem to love me in a way
that makes me believe that I can love you too.

My stubborn will won't yield to my heart
You are too unexpected.
You don't meet my standards.
You break too many of my rules.

Yet for some reason you always end up surprising me.
Those things that I only wish other people to do,
you do willingly for me.

I couldn't understand it because I'm not showing you guarantee
In fact I could walk away from you in a day
and it would be completely valid, if not expected.
But you still stay and give anyway.

You teach me something different.
You make me feel like I've never felt before.

Don't Forget

In my mind, I could still hear their voice, and how they address me with my full name, "Samantha". I could make out their accent, and the usual stories and reminders they tell me.

I could feel the coldness of my bed, how I wake up at 7:30 AM to go down for breakfast, only to go back to sleep and make it a second before 8:30.

The clatters at the dining hall, the wooden tables littered with rice.

The after work hours left to myself, with no definite plans and waiting for chance to do its job. The empty weekends when I plan or just wander around. The time alone that allowed me to explore.

Friends who call me to come over, two buses away. Floors cluttered with clothes and warm baths. Spicy street food, walking around the neighborhood. Being a stranger in a strange land and loving how different you are.

I realized that my life full of responsibilities pales in comparison to the life I lived there.

My Saturdays are practically tight. My Sundays are sacrifices. Monday to Friday are routines with a couple of differences in the nights. Only, I do not even go out of my neighborhood. Commuting two rides away seemed a burden.

I feel trapped by routine. And now it's time to rethink how I live.

Secrets

Do you think you want him to ask the question
when you don't even know how to answer?

The distance between us creates sparks.
I could feel our magnetism.
I try my best to run away
and I know you get hurt in the process
But I don't know how to handle my feelings
breaking a dam to release a huge deluge.

I am afraid for what I feel
And everyday it grows stronger
At the sight of you it throbs inside
Your presence keep me on my toes.

How do I even tell you this?
When I know we feel the same way
but we don't know if we want to.
We don't know where the road goes.

I am afraid of letting you get the upper hand
Even though I know you won't hurt me.
Because I might hurt you.
Because someday I might realize it's not you.

I would hate to leave you out in the cold
I would hate to tell you it won't work
I would hate to break your heart
So I try to be careful from the start.

But it doesn't change the difficulty
Of me wanting you and you wanting me.
It's unexplainable and a bit irrevocable
All we can have is this distance and tension.

Violated*

I knew my attacker was coming. But I did not run away.

I provoked him with my desperation for affection,

my lonely heart, and my confusion as to why I am unwanted.

I have wanted "love" so much.

So much that any form of love, even in being faked,

I am willing to take in.

He arrived at the highest point of loneliness and inadequacy.

He promised warm, loving, and eternal arms

He spoke soft words and soothed my loneliness with knowing hands

He dug a hole under me and laid me in, all his for the taking.

And I surrendered everything I have.

I was weak, I could not fight. I have refused help.

I have refused any other hand that his.

And he violated me, took advantage of that moment's meekness

As what I would have expected, he did not stay until daylight

He was gone before he could accompany me the next morning

Everything about him left -- his warmth, reassurance, and promises.
Left in cold brokenness, I pick up the jagged, hopeless pieces.

And now here I am feeling dirty and disgusting.

For allowing him to do this to me again.

What I thought was freedom was actually a free-fall

I woke up, down on my knees, lonelier than I was last night:

abandoned, left behind, used, and still unwanted.

I wanted so much to break away from him.

But I keep substituting true satisfaction with desperation.

*just poetry.

Someday I'll find A Love like that

Hands intertwining and not wanting to let go
Glued eyes peering underneath long and longing eyelashes
Kisses wanting to plant at every moment of every day
Not standing to be apart for just two hours
Funny phones calls, idle chats, and weird Skype faces
Inside jokes and the secrets behind the doors of privacy
The thrill of waking up around each other's arms
Looking forward to going out to the world with the same person
The smiles that makes everything okay
The presence that calms down even the strongest storms
Reassurance by touch and words and emotions
Running wild, in sweatpants and messy hair, still beautiful
Sunsets, the not-so beautiful but still beautiful moments
Tight hugs and wishing that would stay forever
Doubtless of a long, happy, and silly lifetime together
Planning for kids, decors, furnitures, and parenthood
Butterflies in the stomach after years of butterflies in the stomach
White hairs, wrinkles, freckles still looking gorgeous
Aging well and together
Knowing that you are made for each other.

Indellible

Inks bled, boiled, and bubbled inside
Leaving a mark that's been there longer than it should
Rubbers tried to remove it, waters poured in its place
Still the mark was too dark, too heavy, too permanent to be erased

I have been living with the scar for an incredible amount of years
There's nothing that can remove the stain, I fear
And every time I gaze at the olden spot of my heart
Nothing escapes my eyes but a downpour of tears

Like that night, when upon my remembrance of promises passed
Reminding me of a future I once thought we had
Then how different our realities are of the moment
The dam broke and sobs escaped by parching lips.

I could write a million songs about the unspeakable sadness I feel.
But tonight when you talked to me in a casual manner, I wonder,
why the ink seemed more blurry than it has ever been.
For a moment I forget that it is there, every time you come near.

Maybe if you see the mark that he has left in the deepest corners of my heart
You will be able to hold out your hand and finger them thoughtfully
Your own scars rough against my own
And somehow look perfectly together down to our broken bones.