Changes Everything

Two guys
Same type

They are flirtatious
They are indecisive
They don't know what they want
They had tons of friends
They are outgoing
Active
Body movers
Hot
Tall
Dark
Handsome
Had girls falling for them

Close friends with me.

Same pattern over and over again.
When will this end?

When will I find the right one?

(Sacred)

Now here's another chapter. :)

For years there was no buzz about us.

The first time I saw you was at a party

Your hair was long
your shirt was sweaty
As you inch your way to the next musical instrument,
my camera caught a glimpse of you.

Fast forward to summer,
where I began noticing your ankles and your shoes first
without knowing you are the same person.

You always had that basketball player look:
White shirt, black shorts and rubber shoes
And a gentle way of approaching girls
that make them know that you are not there to charm them.

We have made hundreds of memories that were easily forgotten
Moments that were never counted,
like the way we held hands for a brief second as I leave
The way you kidded me about washing dishes
The way you laughed at my appetite for food.

Fast forward years later
We never got to move forward
Because of a lie I believed
that you liked her.

But tonight,
like that morning where we shot a cheezy video together
You tell me about another girl
like I am your friend.
Sitting beside you, for the first time
Afraid and concerned and...
Friends
just friends, but wanting it that way.
As the September winds choked us
and the evening let our guards down.

We will graduate together,
I hope that's for sure.
I promise not to ignore you anymore.



A lot of things can happen in 6 months.
A lot can happen in a year.

You are a special kind of individual
A faithful wimp, if I may dichotomize
But faithful either way.

I hope that you would become brave enough someday.

Douche

One moment you are looking at me
The next you're checking another one out
One second your are caught in a trance at my sight
The next you're tagging along lunches with another

I have considered that I deserve someone better
The hell I do.
Better than your half-hearted, coward attempts
at charming me.

There is no denying
that I was captivated for a while

But now the wake up call sounded
from the way your ears point
Your eyes light up
At your next prospect,

your next prey.

I am not wounded
but, for real, it was a near-death experience.

Go find another victim.
You found yourself a survivor.

How to Love

As the street lights passed by
and the cool air brushed through my cheeks
beneath the surface of chit chats,
a thought formed in my head.

I could never trust guys.

They are never faithful,
they are always after sex: after our bodies
Touching us, wanting our love
for the sake of it.

Men are either weak
that you could never expect them to do anything.
Or they could be so weak
that you could expect them to rely on your body to stroke their ego.

There is either a faithful wimp
or a tactful jerk.

It is so obvious,
with the way you act,
that you are the latter.

Path of Least Resistance

My no has always been a final No
I said No to you last week
After all your awkwardness
and lack of courage to even approach me

I hate it: distance
Putting me on a pedestal
Therefore not reaching me altogether

To my surprise you approached me today
Same old high fives
I looked at you, curious, wondering, surprised
Hiding it

Then we walked together to the waiting shed
Agreeing to take the long way
So we could also talk longer
about nonsense things
about you
but never about us

I already told them I hate you
Though you don't know that
I already told them I hate how you are so flirtatious
and indirect, and coward
And now you're walking beside me
underneath the canopy of trees
on this beautiful afternoon,

The butterflies in my stomach
started laughing at me.

Battle

You have said your I love you's too much to too many
It's been years since I played that game
Gave up my player card long time ago
for an Angel that was never mine
But you are still here in your youth
Giving them away as if it would never run out
As if there would no hearts to be broken

Mine wasn't.

Too many memories with too many women
All together.
A place here for her,
Another place for another
The way you held hands with her
The way you hand lunch with another
Too many memories to remember
Too many to forget

Ours, part of it.

I wouldn't blame you
I've been there, I've done that
and abandoned that when I found someone
Amazing enough I'd give up my past, present and future games
Even if there's no guarantee that he will ever stop his

He didn't. He played a different game.

You're playing the same game
But I'm not playing with you

If I ever will,
You will surely
Surely.
Lose.

You're just an undergrad in that game
Nevermind that you are on top of it
I have graduated from that
but I'll play that game
To defeat you
Down
to
your
Knees.

Gush

Her skin was soft and supple
Her eyes were dark and gentle
Her lips curved into a luxurious, uncertain
Innocent smile
Yet her forehead foretells the charm she has

Her looks are deceiving,
vulnerable as it may
She was a strong-willed woman
She can argue you off in a snap

She is a child
throwing tantrums at the hospital door
Yet she is a woman taking it all in,
Betraying the number of her years

Her tears are never about weakness
it was an acceptance of reality
Her silence never meant fear
It was a moment to be herself
When she speaks, she never hesitates
to go up against an older one
And she carries herself the way she wants to
Never minding the discourses prevailing around her

She is her own self and she does not know it
She is simply the way she is
and I adore it

Gone

Didn't actually think someone could replace my Angel
But you did.
You showed me how it is to move on
The possibility of falling for someone else
To feel what I've felt years ago:
When everything was raw,
new and unfamiliar
terrifying
and thrilling.

But you are not mature enough for me
This I had known

At first you treated me like I was anybody else
Intimidating me
Making fun of me

Then you fell for me.

And suddenly you began controlling your emotions

Ignoring me
then chasing after me.

Touching my hand
then leaving without goodbyes.

Saying I'm your weakness
then not speaking to me.

It used to be so much better!
But now you're back to being "the other"

The crook's stealing my heart

You should've just told me.

Swear sometimes boys can be such a mess

Since Wednesday I was waiting to see you

Nevermind that night and rain fell at the same time

The desire to just see you and talk to you

After that fateful chasing sweet night

Abruptly it was replaced by your deliberate absence

Heard that you were staying away from me

Guarding my heart, guarding yours, maybe

You should've just told me baby

I was waiting for your message each day

Waiting for you to approach me like you do everyday

Instead there is this silence in your face

A silenced heart out of pain, out of struggle

Out of things that I didn't know

Baby you should've told me

If you will let me go

...

So this is how it goes?

Just when I thought, "At last you are here!"

You ride off to the hill watching over us

Watching over me

As the wind sandpapers my face

Blowing my sweaty hair away as I run panting

You stare at us from the distance

Until you are finally convinced you wanted to play

Never saying even a single word to me.

Not. A. Single. Word.

I waited for it

As we bump against each other

As I go face to face with you

You were so silent it pained me

What is more painful is the pain in your silence

As if you are not doing well

But you are trying.

It hurts me to not know about it

If it's me or something else

You can trust me and you know it

You could tell me, you could say it

But when we returned you just leave without goodbye

A far cry from where we were two nights ago

Unexpectedly it left me devastated

Over losing something I did not own

Over ending something that never began

Explain to me.

I need it.

That was so sweet

And unexpected
You running off after me like that
Me gazing at you, surprised
at the concern you gave that I didn't
When you said goodbye jokingly and I left

It was so thoughtful of you

And how you repeatedly gave me high-fives
Well,
You could hold this hand if you want to.

Just not now...

Guards Down

Told myself
I'm not that kinda girl
To fall hard and fast

Dreaming of you on my free time
Making you my desktop background
Not uploading photos of you with another girl
Even if they don't interest you

Told myself nothing could replace him
Now with a taste of you
My lips are searching for more
How unfaithful my heart is!

To see you jealous
Longing for me and
desiring me
is one of my fondest memory

Irresistible

Trying hard not to think about you
Gasping for breath anyway
You have caused my heart to stumble and fall
With every little thing that you have to say

I didn't find your face attractive
And he knows me better than you
Don't know why I even bother
Without knowing if this is true

Tell me why do we suddenly got attracted to each other
Always thinking of your body next to mine
I thought my heart was for nobody to conquer
Now all you do is make me rhyme.

Ain't Gonna Be

Everytime
From a distance you gaze at me
Disguising the desire to hold my hands

The next second
You are poking her
And taking pictures with another

Although it might have been special
You told her we were textmates
But is that all that I am to you?

You never strive to know my issues
Nor treat me like a girl more often
that you treat my like your secret lover

Excuse me,
I'm not your lover
if you don't love me.

Short-term missing

Oh I know it!
It wouldn't last a minute after college
You will go on to find another girl
And I would go on being busy, maybe finding another one like you in the same place as I.

Everyday we look forward to seeing each other
Even snatching a glimpse is enough to take a mental note on
I see now how you have been hiding from my eyes
Afraid that they will pierce you to the end of your soul
And reveal all the desires you feel for me
Yet at the end of the day you go on and wonder about me
Out of sight, out of mind, some say
But just about the time you start thinking of me
I start thinking of you too

Tonight at 1AM, I was wondering how you are
Since you were hiding from me
To my delight you texted me about how I was
I had no load and was about to sleep.
But I sneaked out of the house into the dark streets
Then went back in, in vain
Broke my fasting and asked someone to load me up
Just so I could text you back.

I wonder what you do for me.

Why can't we resist each other right now?
When we know that someday this might mean nothing at all?

Stolen

You missed training to sleep
You looked so gray and tired
It was so unusual of you, it's almost obvious that you're not feeling well

If I was another girl, I would have been angered by your absence
Probably the lack of courtesy to say you just text you won't go
The negligence there is that you didn't tell me until I've finished
The anticipation for you that afternoon when you never came
But looking at your eyes, so sad and worn
I couldn't say anything anymore.

I understand.
I'm not your girlfriend
(at least not yet?)
I'm not the type who asks for too much, if that is to a fault
You get drained of her vibrance and wit
At her sunshine and beauty.

At times you just wanted to sit down under a tree
Under a darkening canvass of clouds,
Talking honestly of your emotions--your feelings of not being special these days
Your thought that you are not appreciated by people
Or your insights of insignificance
That are not true.

I understand you.
Looking at the melancholy of your eyes moved me
I wanted so much to hug you, even as a friend
If there is anyone in the world who loves you, it is me
Without being romantic.

You look up at me with an extra spark...
Almost like a flickering candle in the wind
Which I was cupping with my hands so as to preserve for long

When you look at me.
You glance at the colors of her life but you feel more black and white

You can find comfort in me
In my voice, in my warmth and touch
I am here for you.

Suitcase of Memories

1. Having my own playlist in your iPod
2. Breathlessly telling me I look okay when I thought I look like a mess
3. Going earlier for the car pool just so we could talk
4. How I danced the rumba with you
5. Telling me I was your best friend
6. Talking to you about my parents while we were using the computer
7. Waiting for your mom to pick us up as if we came from a date
8. Shopping at Adidas with you
9. Having secret blogs that only we know about
10. Dedicating the song "Girlfriend" to me
11. Wearing my hat as you perform
12. Lending me a mermaid suit
13. Letting me copy your Math answers
14. Sitting at the waiting shed late at night, waiting for a ride
15. Watching Cinemalaya films with you
16. Confessing that you want to have sex even as an old man
17. Always saying you're happy for me when I have a new crush
18. Sleeping beside you
19. Getting drunk with you
20. Your first gift to me, even though you don't really give gifts: bangles
21. Liking photos that has nothing to do with you
22. Putting your arms on my shoulder at every picture
23. How we aim for success together, how you tell me bout your dreams
24. Pulling out a chair for me when I asked you to get off
25. Admitting that you almost courted me
26.

The Other Guy

Tell me if you're coming around soon
Because this long and lanky guy is waiting for me
I'm not his first choice, and neither is he mine
We hang out pretty often
His arms against mine
The first time he put his arms around me, it was a choke
The first time he held my hand was to help me up after he threw me
We have fun. Rough and physical fun.
We have pet names
And everyday I find myself looking for him at the corners
More and more
Ignoring him, but secretly rejoicing when he calls me weak
Trying to impress him with my raised eyebrows

Tell me, please tell me, if you're coming around soon
Maybe he and I could hang out more.

Unconditional

Maybe this could work after all,
To really love without expecting to be loved back
To cheer backstage and congratulate and be proud of you
Even though at the end of the day, my sole opinion would not matter much

Maybe watching you succeed, be the man that you could be
Is enough
Maybe I didn't have to be the girl you would want to tell your successes to

Maybe it's okay to not be the one and only.
When everybody cherishes you, I would just like be everybody
Only that my joy for you is much more intense, greater, stronger, more powerful
than anyone. But you wouldn't take a second look at it

Maybe wishing you would love me back is not necessary
Maybe I could love you so much without you loving me anyway

Maybe it's okay for you to be the best I never had
Instead of denying your worth that has become so much to me

Maybe instead of bringing down your statue that I have come to admire so much
Then have kept on the attic, to dust, to rot
Although deep inside I know that it could gather all the dust but it would still be glorious.
Maybe it is okay to display you. Admire your beauty and form
Instead of denying it at all

What if you are more beautiful than anything I will ever see?
Would it be okay if you were not mine, despite that?

I could imagine us together forever
Growing old, holding graying hands
Or forever young and adventurous, going on wild places
Conquering battles and conquering tears
As long as we're together

I tried imagining life without you
But it all ended up at the denial bin.
Life without you is like having my soul haunted by a ghost
Like a life scarred beautifully by an event I don't remember but I will never forget
Something will always be missing without you

I wanted so much to be a part of you
A part of your world
Be it a cold, dull one or a blooming, vivid one
I'd take it all
Whether or not you would like me to be a part of yours

Uncertainty and Mutuality

It's almost sloppy, talking to you
Like dogs with frothing mouths, eyes opening so wide
Your hands shake as it comes near mine
Almost smiling too wide for too long
Trembling, as if wanting to run off
Or engage in a deep, tight hug
That would take the words away like it should

Lingering, wanting to stay
Stalling by asking a question after question
On each other we are
like a leaf opening itself wide to the ray of sunshine
Take me as I am, take all of me, and I will take and cherish you
Stay with me, hearts intertwined
Forever if you permit


No one else is like you

Backnote poetry

It's like I blab aimlessly
To keep staring at your eyes
As wide as saucers
Your hair as thick as a lion's
Your smile as wide as the sea
Your body as hot as a sleeping volcano
You are swallowing me

***

Your presence triggers a hormonal response
My body heats up as if I'm a fertile soil
My heartbeat flutters for hours on end
My brain loses focus on the present time
My being starts longing for you

Bifurcation

I...
Shouldn't be thinking of you
Shouldn't be getting goosebumps upon seeing your photos
Shouldn't be searching for your face in the crowd
Shouldn't be imagining how you are just now

I thought I have moved on
I thought he could replace you
I thought a sudden rush of flirtation would make me forget you
I thought touching him, talking to him and making him fall to his knees
Would satisfy my thirst for you
But it doesn't.
How he pales in comparison to you, even if you do not love me!

How I replay everything you have said, magnifying clues that may be interpreted as love
You loved me, I know you did
Just not enough.

If there was a magic love potion to make you fall,
I certainly would avail of it
I would do anything just to have you with me
If this is selfishness, then tell me why can't I be selfish with somebody else?
I am only selfish for you.
I only love YOU.