To the person who will capture my heart

I need you to be adventurous.
Domestic time will never be my full-time
but a welcome break from all the adventures.
I need you to be my travel partner,
with a lustful desire to taste, see, and heart the world
to hold my hand and lead me up summit
to carry backpacks and offer water.
To dive with me and fly with me
to hold my hand when thrills come to tears
and to push me to the point of exhaustion.

I need you to blur the lines.
To wash my intimates without second thought
to make me salads when I have nothing to eat
to show up with a bucket of chicken
when I'm too weary to go out and dine.
I need you to sleep under the covers with me
and never make me feel the cold.
To clean the bathroom for me so I can have a good bath
and patiently wait for me as I do my makeup.

I need you to surprise me.
To hold your hand over my eyes during my birthday
only to find our friends singing the songs
To dance with me on formal events
and to sing songs for me onstage.
I need you to look good on a tux like a real gentleman.
To complement my flowy, shiny, evening gown
to make me feel like a real lady.

I need you to be there.
In the silences, around the noise, in the danger, and warmth
To be there in a heartbeat. To be close
To never leave. To always assure. To love
passionately, deeply, unendingly.

I need you to love
like I do.

First Date

So... you are.
20 years, one boyfriend, and a throng of flings later
You turned out to be my first intentional date.

Not a date disguised as a hang out.
Not waiting time for the group of friends to arrive.
Not alone together for shopping, movie watching, then to eat
Not "oh it's just dinner"

But a real date when you ask me when I'm free
and you come along an event I previously attended
so we could go to this too-common fast food afterwards
to stay until 11PM without running out of things to talk about

Who knew?
As our friends mistakenly arrive to see us
We could see them questioning why
but could only say goodbye with a giggle and a knowing smile

And this act won't make us together-together.
It's not a negotiation for an upcoming commitment
not even about defining a relationship
But merely getting to know each other --

Getting away from other people to get to know each other --
and just like that
My first date has never went so well.

And how we were too thrifty... or too clingy...
To take the trike home
So instead we walk beside the highway to continue talking
Until we reach my home.

And a kiss was even out of the question.
But we thanked each other for the time.

We both know as we parted ways,
that we really wanted to do this again.

And your words rung in my ears,
"You deserve someone
man enough for you."
Just like that.

Nothing. Nothing.

I looked up to watch you saunter upon me.
Eight long months of invisibility.
Finally you are now sitting right in front of me.
And as I gazed into your eyes expecting to feel something
The same beauty was there, but it was devoid of memory
As though your eyes did not change, but mine did.
And all I felt
is nothing.

Few minutes ago, my heart was racing at this momentous time
I haven't seen you in a while and I don't know
How my heart would handle the sight of you,
the voice of you, your thoughtful gaze, and unmistakable presence.

But something wore off.

We talked for a while, about the present. Me and you. And career.
My heart was not tempted to ask too personal questions.
Questions that we have always conversed about every time.
My tongue did not breech the territory of the heart,
which we both once were so familiar with.
My mouth did not cross the line of extra-friendship
And truth is, I did not even force it to.
Somehow it just dropped the ball
that was supposed to bounce on you.

And as we sit side by side, I wondered if we will
talk in hushed voices as if no one's around.
But my heart was too indifferent to make an effort.
And even though I planned on messaging you this season,
I can't even think of a reason to do it.

So this is how it feels.
And this is really how it ends.

With nothing. That can turn to something.
Finally, we can be just friends.

My heart still cries out for you

I'm not foolish.
I know how it is to be heart broken.
The pain of remembrance,
the anguish among the separation,
the weight of the unsaid words,
the harshness of moving on,
the daunting task of forgetting.

I've experienced brokenness for the past years.
I've gone through various phases of denial,
self-pity, longing, impulsive desire, indecision,
regret, negotiation, comfort, and struggle
Over and over.

You can't tell me that I know nothing about it.
You can't tell me that the state I am now
is a product of unprocessed emotions and naivety.
I am not foolish. I know what it's like.
And I also know that I still see you as my future.

Sure, we have gone opposite directions.
Farther and farther apart,
with hollowness and emptiness in between.

I've watched myself let you go
by saying "no".
I've watched myself tell our story repeated
to people who are supposed to help me get over.
I've watched myself jealous over your new friends,
worried that you will find someone special.
I've watched myself cry to sleep
haunted by memories joyful and gone.
I've watched myself watch you
completely unaffected and being happy with your life.
I've watched myself pray, seek guidance,
and employ various methods to erase your mark.
I've watched myself befriend good guys,
only to compare them to you.
I've watched myself accepting the loss
and then slowly not caring about you.
I've watched myself change, be more joyful,
gain more friends, and get the bigger picture.

But somehow, my heart still cries out for you.
With the head knowledge, with the years of experience,
with the overwhelming hurt, with the acceptance,
I still think that it is better if we are together.

We are not the same people.
Time has changed us. People, places, experience,
things we did apart. I know that.
But still, there are things that are meant to find their way--
people--in another time and another place.
And I believe we are that kind of people.
These may be years of seemingly distant friendship.
But someday, I know, that we will be together.
Someday, we will make sense.
Someday, we will catch up on what we missed.
Someday, we will see how much we really have changed.
Someday, we will think that we're meant to be.
Someday, we will be together. And just by being together,
we become happy. We become better people.

I love you so much, my dear. And I haven't forgotten you.
Not a day has passed that I haven't thought of you.
I may have thought I didn't need you, and I didn't.
But somehow life is lovelier around you.

Someday, we will be together.
The fight isn't over.

Terrified

I couldn't stay for another minute
and watch the sequel to the story I thought I quit.
There are so many years to compare it to.
Years that were vivid, pulsating, and clear
and it was nothing compared to today's silence,
absence, and lackluster.
I just couldn't stand to have a bad memory
to tarnish another memory.

So I had to go. Nowhere. Lie about where.

But what I can never escape is this emptiness
that this year was worse than the last
and there was nobody to care about it anymore.

This was the season of hope, of activity,
but now in the cold of the evening, fighting back
irrational tears... I plunged into a deep numbness.

D could be there to listen, but for some reason he's gone
J could have been there to walk me home
R could have talked to me instead of liking someone else
But nobody was there to accept my trembling heart,
waiting to pour out grief and bitterness.

There is no vessel, and I would hate to explode there
I really had to leave and deal with this alone.

For I can't imagine sharing it with someone else.

Directions

Dreams. Reality. With you I don't know which is which.

I'm trying so hard to fight this growing feeling.
But when you're around, I just can't help walking to you
as if being with you is the best thing in the world.
And I don't know why because all we seemed to talk about
are problems, trivialities during the day, joking, and laughing--
yet they were the best times and I never regret being with you.
I didn't see this coming, this fluttering heart as I wake up
A confusing prayer before I sleep, jealousy in the middle,
and the long walks ahead of everybody.

I want to stay away from you because I don't want to leave you.
And secretly, I'm afraid you might not want to leave me too.

There should be far too many things to think about such as,
a better guy, a more stable relationship, a single direction.
The non-negotiables that are now being flushed down the drain
of love songs in which you came to mind.

I'm afraid that I might lead you on when commitment threatens.
I'm afraid that you too will be attached with me and decide
that it is me you're looking for, when I still don't know what
I would want to find.

And I know it's mean and cruel to enjoy so much of our friendship
while nurturing these growing feelings. But when you're around
my soul is thirsty for your presence, your conversation, your being.

Part of me wants to run as fast as I can before we do any damage
but a bigger part wants to see where this could go, and just enjoy
the moment when you become one of my closest friends

And as we walk through the streets, with fingers tingling
As we sit quietly both relaxing and wondering what is going on
As we kid each other and tend to our own relationships
and find our way back to each other
As we spend countless dinners together
the semi-dates, the bus rides, the walks home

I don't want to catch the flu of loving you,
but it seems I already have it
and am constantly, constantly trying
to push it down and keep it in...

For a Start

The long ride home could have been that was alone,
I was hoping that you were along the corner and saw that she left
That there is a space and there is no one else I would want to sit with me
Other than you, and spend hours just talking. Idly, as I look out the window
and you keep an earphone on one side.

And our eyes will meet for but a few moments when it gets to the personal part
where you confess, that you were that guy who asked every girl to dance
but ended up alone in one room with nobody in your arms.

Where you confess the lonely tables and the empty chairs during lunch times,
the childhoods spent inside the house playing video games
And how you were given a planetarium, chemistry books, robots, and toy cars,
but you were always alone with all these stuff.

How you would cringe at the thought of the depth of your admissions,
and how at the back of your mind you are afraid that I would pity you
But you share them anyway. Lay your cards on the table as the bus whizzes through the night traffic and busy commuters and city street lights.

Beside me, underneath a cold air conditioning,
somehow it was warm and somehow even though we said we wanted to sleep through the travel, we ended up talking the whole ride home.
About your favorite music and your deep-seated issues

And everyone says you are so undesirable because of them -- your scars
that are somehow out in the open but have never healed at all.
Everybody wants to change you, and at one point, I did, too.
To solve your puzzle and uncover your mystery and simplify your complications
and to see you finally emerge -- cleaned and sensitized and easy to understand

But somehow despite your ambiguities confusing me,
they are still the best companions that I will always look forward to.
I long to listen to them over and over again, if that is the only means to know you
And I know that the pit is bottomless and I don't know how they will end --
if the winding and broken paths to your soul ever will --
but somehow, with curiosity and with the light of care,
I wanted to fall on it. On you. On your darkness and weirdness and fuzzy details
because somehow it reminds me of the times when strangeness was my only friend and the only way I could ever be myself.

And I could be myself, and you also probe around my rounded square corners
without hesitation or analysis or even a conclusion.
Maybe we're are not meant to solve anything, what's going on within us and between us.
Maybe the discoveries will never end, and that will be fine. That way
you will always have a reason to sit beside me on long bus ride evenings.
Like you just did that night.

Someday you and me

Maybe I still believe that someday
our story that's been paused
will be continued in another day.

Maybe someday our paths would cross
in an unassuming busy place
and we would stop and stare
at the eyes that was once always there

And we would want to catch up
over a downtown coffee shop
Time slows down and rewinds
as we laugh at the old times
And your eyes will be different
yet strangely familiar
I would vaguely remember
at our youthful banters,
the nights that were too long
Intensities of secret emotions
and tears over short-term partings

And how I would amusingly think
about luck bringing us together
as if giving us a chance
to continue the stories of each other

And the words unsaid will surface
the memories will be a lot clearer
We'd catch up on what we missed
and for some reason we become closer

And closer and closer and someday again
we will meet in the same coffee shop
No longer just friends
and before we go down the aisle
we would think,
how playful luck must have been
to bring back an old lost link

Seventeen Again

If we can turn back time

and we would be

seventeen again

Way back when

we were wise and impulsive

and raw and rough

I would have

held you tight that morning

and dried your tears that night

I would have

grabbed your hand as we walked

and say I love you as we walked

I would have

accompanied you to wherever you will go

and gladly do as you told me

I would have

attended all your recitals and performances

and met all of your friends

I would have

listened to all your stories

and tell you all of mine

I would have

not let you go.

It is easier to say now

but could I really have afforded

letting myself go?