Things I Learned About Our Wedding Planning Season (Thus Far)

• I was never meant to be a "Bridechilla". I am born on a fire sun in the year of the monkey. I was meant to be restless, overproductive, and optimizing.
• We did have a lot of fights during this time. Over budgets, finances, preferences, priorities, expectations. There is no shame in it and no hiding it. We had fights. Thankfully, none of them has been dirty.
• I still cannot believe I'm getting married. It's not because "I've been dreaming about this since I was a child". Quite contrary. I haven't dreamt of this and yet it is happening. To me. Right now. With him. Amidst all these.
• I have never pondered on my choice of husband. I'm sure in high school I've listed criteria of boys I would like and want to end up with, but those notebooks are long gone. So I have no profile. But I have Josh. And he seems to be a good husband. Better than I expected, perhaps.
• One thing that has been consistent with us in more than five years is how patient he is. I am a restless bitch who suddenly laughs in the middle of a fight. He's seen my crazies. We've been together through the toughest adulting phases. Yet we are still together. Stronger than ever. Nowhere near perfect. But stronger.
• I have an idea of what my future will be. It may or may not feature a husband, but doing those things with Josh would really make me happy.
• Since I'm not chill, I'm just hoping I'm not putting too much pressure on him. I want this to be fun, even if we have fights. I want us to remember how strong this planning made us.
• I could not think of a better person to go through this season with than with him.

Finite Stars

Isn't it strange when you don't know
At exactly what point
Things will change
Between you and another person

In one moment, guards are down
In the next, there' s a gap between you
Pride, hurt, hate, indifference
And there's no going back to the past

How do you mourn the people
That are still there
Yet you have lost,
Gone far away as the starts

There's nothing to do with the distance
But to stare in the space
Cry, wonder, hope, accept

That, like stars that seem to last for eternity
You are truly, bitterly finite

Mother

Life is short
But it is also long
Forgiveness goes a long way

Maybe you were not
The best mother in the world
You had your neurosis,
childhood issues we all had,
perhaps the lack of a mother figure of your own

You have always been good at masking
I never knew what you were thinking
If you cared, or
if you are hurting

I wish I could tell you to put your mask away
that you are more beautiful that way
But even before I came to this world,
you have fought battles and been scarred
for decades.
I cannot tell you how to act

Yet somehow, my greatest hope
is I can forgive you for being less than perfect
To always think that you are still trying to figure it out
that you never had a role model in doing so

My greatest hope is that I will love you anyway,
to see beyond your mask that I've grown
to hate over the years
and see the human inside that until now
is still scarred, still hurting, still fighting

You are my mother, and for life, we are bound

Mga Kwentong Walang Titik

Mga kwentong hindi pa tamang isulat, di pa dapat ilathala
Mga damdaming sumisigaw bago sumikat ang umaga
Mga oras na lumilipad ang aking isip patungo sa'yo
Kahit hindi ko alam kung ika'y nasaan... o nakanino

Kay bilis lumipas ng nakaraan; hindi man lang natin namalayan
Na ang pagkakataon ay naglalaho; ang panahon ay tumatakbo
Ang mga dating hindi ko nasabi o sayo'y naparating,
Habambuhay na lamang kwentong walang titik

Katahimikan, kalayuan, kaibayuhan ang namamagitan
Nasaan ang dating samahan... Nasaan?
Ang ating paglisan ay unti-unti, dahan-dahan,
Ngunit sa isang iglap, ako'y narito, ika'y nariyan

Nais ko mang ibalik ang dating pagkakataon,
Kay rami na ng lumipas na panahon.
Mahihiling ko nalang na sinabi ko na noon
Pagkat ako'y nagsisisi sa katahimikan ngayon

The Breaking Point

At 27 years old
You could not see the cracks on the surface
The water gushing out of the glass
Chipped and broken corners

At 27 years old
You cannot look past the shiny beauty
That magnifies even the tiniest of light
Light to the touch, and oh-so cold

At 27 years old
You cannot feel the steam rising up
Inside reaching the boiling point
The breaking point

At 27 years old
You see a masterpiece
Carefully crafted through the years
Aging beautifully like a bottle of wine

At 27 years old, however
I circle back at the things I've already known
Five years ago, without uncertainty

The truths I've tried to forget
Memories I've chosen to bury
Heartbreaks I've refused to face
Confessions I've never made

At 27 years old,
My heart still yearns for you
Dreamt of you one night
With the same intensity as if

I was only 17 years old
And we were on the moviehouse together
Tears rolling down your eye
But I resisted the urge to hold your hand

Never knowing how fragile the moment was
And how the distance between our hands
Would determine the farthest paths we could take

I wish we could go back
To when I was 17 years old
Perhaps I would have been braver
To risk it all and tell you that

At 27 years old,
Perhaps even at 37,
It is still you that I want.

*written before 27