Hopeless

So... you like her? Do you actually like her?

I wish I could tell you how much I loved you.
I don't know what's holding me back.
Is it that I feel that I deserve to be loved in a certain way?
That you haven't given me much and I'm asking for more?

Is it because I am afraid that it will end up in vain?
If you have not fought for me and have abandoned me,
will it still be worth the fight?
Is that what love is supposed to be?

If I exert effort and still failed,
would I have blamed myself for not moving on quickly?
That at the first sign of heartbreak, I didn't learn my lesson?
That I am so stupid because everything is written and yet I ignored it?

If I exert effort and had you,
Will I be satisfied?
Is there some assurance that everything will be all right?
That it will be a happy ending?
Do happy endings ever exist?

If I exert effort, will you be worth it?
Will you reciprocate?
Will you love me with all you are honestly and not just because
you pity me or have no better choice?

If I exert effort, will I be closing my doors to someone who will love me more?
Would I have missed the chance to finally love and be loved?
Will I ever be a beloved instead of a forever lover?

Do I really deserve someone better?
Do I really choose you?
Will my wounds heal eventually?
Will I resolve that I do everything for you eventually?

I am so uncertain
But please, I hope that she doesn't overtake me
Because of a years' worth of hesitation.

Oh love, will we ever end up to be together?

You're Leaving

Out of the five semesters before that we have known each other
This was the only time when I truly have gotten to appreciate you.
Your heart
And this semester, you say as you walked me quietly home
that you're leaving.

I expected it.
I just didn't expect that it would happen sooner.

December, which is the sweetest month of all
will be bitter this year as you say goodbye, never to be seen soon.

A few weeks ago we were talking about
how I was about to graduate and not ready for the world.

It was followed by week upon week of eating dinner and just talking with company
Combo 4 in the kiosk,
Treating us to Ridges
Bringing sinigang to school
Cooking spaghetti for the parties
Finally I was able to see through you.

You were once so distant
and now that you have just gotten near,
You will move miles away soon.

I have gotten used
to having your around.
To exchanging jokes and playing cards
I wish there could be more time for those idle moments when
all we do is cherish the moment and take it slow
lest it flies past us like it threatens to.

I wish you could stay because I didn't want you to leave.
But I didn't want you to stay and waste time.
As a friend, how bittersweet it truly is
To want to listen when you don't like what you're hearing
To support when you are afraid for the person
To say goodbye when it would leave you empty.

This is part of friendship,
and I'd like to believe that all those months we came to know each other
weren't spent in vain.

I wish you well,
and although I will miss how you play the guitar in the afternoon,
how you bully me when playing football
how you were the first churchmate that ever got inside our house

I remember how "Fast Car" was our favorite song.
Those nights when the four of us suddenly come together at the karaoke
just because of it.

It's so funny now that I realize it
that the song was almost about you.

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you could fly away?
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight and live and die this way


We live in such perilous times when we are at our turning points.
I wonder what will happen the next time I see you.
Will you finally have the passion to finish school?
Will I learn how to cook as well as you do?
Will you be able to expand your ministry?
Will I be able to commit even as I work?

How strange it is to be thinking this way
and knowing that it may turn worse.
But nonetheless, we're still friends.

Inspiration

Behind her toothy smiles,
her kind eyebrows
her shy eyes and awkward mannerisms

is a girl so fierce
her photos could make your jaw drop.

She isn't much of a talker
never the loud person in the room

And yet when you see her, you are stunned
her presence is unmistakable.

You could mistaken her for a wallflower
But she is a flower that blooms so well
You would want to stare at her
Capture her
Pursue her
Find out her secret.

She is my inspiration.
And I am going to be her soon.

A Kiss

Tonight I stumbled upon a photo of my high school batchmates
A couple, among the few couples who actually survived four years of college life.

They were kissing for the camera.

I never saw them kissed before.
The girl was a good girl. The guy, well, didn't know him but

They were kissing

and it was so sickeningly sweet
that I stared at it for a couple of minutes,
trying to figure out the formula for a kiss.

A face so close to you
Short breaths and smiles in between
your eyes closed,
arms wrapped in each other's waist

The flowery scent of each other
The sweet smacking,
the movement of your soft lips.

I have never felt it before, and it amused me for a long time.

Earlier this morning I told myself I am not one of those girls who is waiting to be married.

But I wonder, oh I wonder,

how does a kiss feel?

I wish it was you

who will fall for me

You would text me every night and say "I love you" at the right moments

You would bring me gifts after you go home from the province and you would be so excited to see me once you are back, to tell me all the stories and all the news and all the "I miss you's"

Your eyes would light up whenever you see me, and you would long to be with me in between work

You wold hold my hand and cherish that moment when we watch the sunset together

You would invite me to eat at places I've never been to, and ask about my day and be amused at whatever story I would present to you

And we would be really happy

And I would forget the bad memories,

thinking this is the best I will ever have.

And it probably will be.

If.

Ink Blots

Blow by blow.

Stories of me, stories of you

I should be writing my own
based on different characters and plots and settings

Things change
I gave up.

Stating the obvious

“Hey, you wanna watch a play tonight?” I texted you

And didn’t receive a reply back.

It stung to realize

Over and over

That things are not the same.

I should stop expecting you to reply like you always do

To accompany me through the night even when you’re sick and limp

To be my date when nobody is available

Now I pay the price of reality,

That you are gone.

Maybe you have been making it easier for me all this time.

Not replying,

Not interacting, even online

Not asking how I am in the specific areas we both knew so well

Not letting your guard down anymore like you always do around me

Maybe you’re making it easy for me to move on like you have

And yet my stubborn heart couldn’t understand it still

It’s written all over the place

Anyone would have guessed it if they weren’t too blinded by love

Another person would have guessed it by the way you never said “I love you”

By the way you said you were gay

By the way you narrated your sex conquests

By the way you gush and befriend the wrong kinds of people and changed too easily

If it was another person, they would have moved on

And thought that they deserved better than

An indecisive “best friend” who was just stalling before getting other friends

Instead, here I am two years later, still blaming myself

That I didn’t tell you enough

Didn’t show it enough

Didn’t become a friend enough

While you are long gone and moved on

And I’m still waiting

It is about time for me to pick myself up

But how will I ever, really?

How to lose a friend

Cupidity #38: "Telling him everything believing it would solve everything"

I agree, bad idea.

If I had tried to get my ex back, I would probably lose him again anyway.

We were not ready and never meant to be no matter how much I wanted him back.

And telling you everything won't do much too.

I have to stop telling myself it's the solution.

You would have known anyway, by the way I stuck to you and behind you.

You would have known by the care I have shown

By the way I'm hung over after two years.

You should have known I have given everything I could possibly do,

even without telling it.

It's just so sad that I lost a friend because I loved him

...

I started wishing bad things for him

started manipulating his acts in order to come out as what I wanted him to do

Used him to feed my fairy tale fantasies

losing him in the process.

I know it wasn't solely my fault.

He had to do something for me to hope.

But I exchanged him for my personal fantasies.

I gave in to the temptation of the devil

and he might have, too.

Now we're separated with silence.

I'm sorry my Angel.

I'm sorry.

You mean the world to me.

I never meant to wish you bad luck

I never meant to be sad when you succeed.

I never meant to drive you away just because I was jealous and hurt

I never meant to put my interest first.

I'm sorry.

If this can be repaired, I will never know.

But I want you to know that I'm putting our friendship first

and my pain last.

Please, forgive me

Me

Erica was the ex-girlfriend of Mark Zuckerberg

like, the millionaire who created the million-dollar social network

/I wonder how she feels knowing that she is just the ex

A remnant of a college sweetheart-hood

Maybe I ought to feel like her.

/I have undermined who I can be

and focused only on what I have lost

Maybe,

you have

lost

something

too.

Maybe you are the one who ought to fell like her.

I also wanted you

She said I should tell you how much you drove me insane
Like a martyr professing love to the beloved
defying gender constructions,
rational thinking,
fear
even my choice.

A thousand times it played on my mind to actually do.
For me to make that confession
tears might fall,
bittersweet smiles might be exchanged
or just a cold "well it's over" that wouldn't change a thing
(not even the slightest expectation of loving me back)

Over and over, before I go to sleep
I sometimes think of finally telling you
how much I love you
but I just can't come to the decision.

I love you so much, and this blog is a proof of that
but I wanted to be loved back.

I know that you are a better person now,
that I loved you even before does not matter now.
But I also wanted you to love me back.
I also wanted you to feel the same way for me.
I also wanted you to need me and look for me when I go
But you didn't.
And it's enough that I put myself in a situation where I keep hoping
and hoping
and hoping.

I could tell you the truth.
I could make myself feel better by doing so
Maybe our relationship would be better by doing so
Maybe it was just my pride.

But as of now, I won't tell you...

It wouldn't solve anything.

Speaks Louder

Lately I've been noticing
How much you care for me
Now I'm starting to care too

The way you walk me home
the way you tease me all the time
the way I could always, always rely on your support

the way I could tell you about heartbreaks
and fears of growing up

the way you eagerly carry my bag
and treat me to snacks
the way you text me and say you prayed for me
the way you ask if I got home already
the way you play all my favorite songs

the way you look when I leave
the way your eyes widen when you first see me during the day
the way you are just the right person to stick around.

I'm starting to thank you for everyday you make me feel safe with you.
I'm starting to appreciate being with you.
You.

Room full of Us

It's like I almost dreaded being there
afraid that an ocean of the past would engulf me
swallow and drown the present once again.
But with a brave and lonely heart, I proceeded.

There I saw them.
The chair which I sat in, and you were just beside me,
arms' length.
How we looked at each other, laughing at inside jokes
How we nudged each other, listened and know what the other was thinking

At the bed,
How you told me your disappointment
and I wanted so much to hug you
but I resisted.
I wished I did.

At the wall,
where we were drawn and written
and I wished my name was beside yours

How you are not with me now.
How you don't seem to bother
How you didn't seem to care

anymore.

Saying Sorry

Don't remember the last time I said the words
"I'm really sorry"
But I do remember uttering it last night.
To you, who should be saying it first.

Never did I say sorry to my ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with through the phone
Never to my mom when she flares up
Never to my dad when I flare up
Never to the guy I lead on though I didn't like him
Never to an Angel I pulled away from

But to you, I did
It's quite weird how I even considered
to put myself in a pride-down situation,
an awkward telling of how I feel
approaching you even though you might just inflate your ego and boast about it

I just knew that it was the right thing to do
and that
our friendship and what you mean to me
is what I need more than the silence between us.

So, sorry.
I don't regret saying it.

Elusive

Perhaps, what is worse than not being loved
is not loving someone

*I can't believe I'm saying this

All my life, I have been the lover
(or I think I was)
and so I dreamt of being the beloved the next time

And yet now that
I am able to love
I am desirable
I am pursued

I can't seem to love anyone.

One I have buried in my memory
The others I have not allowed to make a mark

Guard your heart

Surely, there is nothing wrong about what we're doing.

You probably see me as a younger sister
I probably act silly and over-idealistic and...

you tell me your stories that you don't tell anyone
Your ex-girlfriend, your termination, your family, your worries...
who You are.

And in the process, it was hard to think about us objectively
without assuming so much.
My emotions are not very mature.
It can either be we are business-like
or that I would blur the lines for the two of us.

If you like me, it would be difficult for you
and

I don't know about me

Back to Zero

I know I have the tendency to be annoying
But what you said was just plain mean and uncalled for.
The roll in your eyes,
the words "Shut up" slipping out of your mouth
When I was just trying to make you smile.

It hurt me almost immediately,
like a poison of wrath and betrayal and hurt
coursing through my veins
I walked away but you didn't notice
And at night before I slept
I swore to myself that you would.

And so the next day, that afternoon,
as we were walking towards the field,
We saw you on the horizon and you held your hand up
for a high five like we used to.
At first I guessed if you didn't know I was mad
or if you were trying to make it up to me

Glared at you so strongly, I meant for you to take your arm down
But you didn't.
Out of conviction? Out of ignorance?
As we draw near, I took my pointed stare away from you
and dodged at the high five
walking straight ahead.

From behind my back you called to me, "Weak"
But this time, I didn't turn and give you a knowing smile.
You felt it, didn't you?

Now yesterday, it was as if you were hurt
You were avoiding me, but not because you were mad
You were talking to him about me
You stay away from me
like a cub licking its wound.
I asked myself if I should be guilty about it
but I wasn't the first one who pointed a knife with my tongue.
You said "Shut up" and if you didn't notice, I'm just obeying you.

I miss you so much it hurts

To gaze at the face I have been so familiar of once

The empty conversations that used to be long and deep and silent

The nearness of you that had me swimming in butterflies

The involvement that we had with each other's lives

The stories that we didn't tell the people we didn't introduce

The dreams we never shared anymore

It is so painful to watch you become a stranger...

Can't Handle it?

It's sad how
the guys who sweep you off your feet
Who makes your heart beat three at a time
Who gets you dreaming about them all night
Whom you would keep sweet messages from
Who's mysterious and captivating and attractive
Are the guys who are not there to last
You fall hard, but lose it fast
because sooner or later, after your denial
and  when the cloud of emotions clear,
you realize that they are mere flings and flirts
that you will have to dispose of

And the guys who bore you
who are fearful enough to approach you
or plain seemingly disinterested but genuinely caring
Those who keep the lines clear instead of blurring them
Those who are faithful, looking for things to last
are the ones you don't count on or hope for
Knowing that they require so much time and motivation
to pursue you

It's hard, this game of pursuit.
You don't know what you'll get.
Will you settle or chase or stay put?
Will you entertain or wait or ignore?

One thing's for sure.
Though the first type of guy's probably the one I'll be writing love songs about,
the second one would really be the one to win my heart
and take every bit of it
An eternity with him is worth more than a thousand breathless but fleeting moments

Don't look back

Lest you fall into his snare
His dark eyes and thick eyebrows
The charm of his presence and words
Combined with your deep desire to be with him

Don't read through your old messages
The memories that you treasured and burned
Watched as it went up in flames
Knowing that you cannot save them

Don't check out how he has been doing
His life that you so desperately wanted to be updated about
His thoughts and dreams
that you wanted to be a part of when it materializes

Don't ever tell him
that you love him
Don't let the tears fall
as it did a hundred times before
Don't let the questions arise
when you know they cannot be answer

You need a shove
A push
To go through life without him

You will survive, yes you will,
Keep telling yourself that

A few things that I don't understand

1. Why he is gay
when he could have loved his best friend

2. Why he took her as a girlfriend
when she's no way attractive or worthy

3. Why he likes her better than me
when she's a man hater miles away

4. Why he is such a flirt
when he could have settled with one girl

5. Why I'm with no one
when I'm all that a guy is looking for

It's so bitter of me to ask these questions
But I can't help wonder
and know
that the answers will be far more depressing

(Silence)

You have been a lot of persons to me
Never was I attracted to you
and there has always been a clear line of being just like a brother
And yet you are always, always with me

When I was choking to tears at campfire
You accompanied me to get water that night
Without your slippers on the muddy, rocky ground

When they pulled me violently
As we were blindfolded,
Your grip never let loose
I was safe in your hands

When I was dozing off because we stayed up all night
You were beside me playing the guitar
singing the song for me.
I pretended not to stir when you said,
"What's the next song? The one that will keep her sleeping?"

And when I was crying at poolside so that nobody can see me
You sat there beside me
Just quietly
Just enough for me to know you are there

Thank you.
I never appreciated you this much

(Taken)

The kindness in your eyes
Your soft and steady voice
The smile that lights up your face
and wrinkles your eyes

Your tight body and the endless potential
of your athletic abilities
Your muscular calves and
your overall reliability

Your kindness

You're impossible

(Angel)

You should not overestimate your enemy
as much as you should not underestimate them.

Maybe I have a choice.
Maybe I got a shot at this
At winning over you
and losing you.

Maybe I could be a better person without you.
Maybe I can out-better you, even
Without you knowing it
Behind your back
In secret

Just as how you turned out to be who you are
without my knowledge
leaving me betrayed and abandoned at the same time.

Maybe this could be the best revenge.
To be enemies
but friends.

Worlds Apart

For some reason
Without seeing your face
or feeling your presence
Just your Hi online
makes me happy.

Checking out the photos,
I see how different we are
You with the basketball games
in the company you work with
The testosterone, the ladies you ignore
The sweetness you always had

You, checking out the photos,
seeing the high school booze
The childish fun and baby feelings

You make me feel important
As a man whose time is precious

I wanna see you in our camp
Please come
Maybe we could share
a thing or two

The Story of Us

There could have been
a million moments in just one night
But instead
We sizzled silently
exploded quietly
without giving off a spark.

Your seat was extremely distant from mine
As if reflecting our friendship
You used to sit beside me all the time.

I can't seem to ask you
all the questions I'm dying to know
How are you?
What did you accomplish recently?
What are your future plans?
Are you in love with someone?

But when we finally have an alone time in the car
Where six people left us
There was nothing but me
biting my nails and you
leaning forward,
as if your waist next to time
in such a small space
is a hundred lightyears' worth of separation
I can't seem to reach you.
I don't know if I want to.
But I want you to.
Yet no words were uttered.

For the longest time we sat beside each other singing
It was the best moments of silence
or noise?
in that night
We never talked
Instead
You held the mic
while we sang
a half-hearted, unplanned duet

You never left my side
and I was careful not to leave yours
Even if it meant holding my pee
Or not eating
I need to be next to you
And you
crawl your way to the food table
As if not wanting to let go of your seat too

And on the ride home
We sat next to each other
You asked me a stupid question
and gave I gave you no question back.

I bared my knees
So that you could touch them as you go
Like you always do.
You said goodbye
I said goodbye to you
I was waiting for your hands on my knees
You were waiting for my hand on your shoulder
We didn't touch at all.

I've known you for six years
Tonight we are strangers
Waiting for the time
That will never come.

Oblivion

Tonight I can't stop the tears from falling
Can't count how many nights I've spent this way
Can't tell when will it end.

A single memory,
a single glance
triggers such an outpour of grief and loss
Holding on to
nothing

No amount of other guys
could compare to  you
or replace you in my heart
Is it even possible to be happy without you?

To be in your life is all I ever want.
To go where you will go,
to be where you will be.
I am always there when you're down
and when you're up,
though you don't look down

I want to be in your life again
Please let me in.
If it was up to me, I would never leave
But you always,
always do

You tell me I'm beautiful

My chin is always pointed on the ground
my eyes downcast and
my teeth biting my lower lip.

At one time the sun shone on my face
Gave my biggest, brightest smile
for the camera

And when you saw it you were like Whoa, you're
Beautiful!

I said, "have you ever felt that you don't want to be too beautiful?"

It's true. It sounds naive and boastful
But everyday it's like that.
I wipe away the extra gloss,
Mess up my hair a little,
Never wear high heels or
something too sexy
I'm afraid
I'd turn heads when I walk through the door
of being desired for the beauty I know is in me
for the danger that it brings

But you are awed at my beauty
and wonder why you never saw it before.
Why I never showed it before.
and even offered some help

like some Superman to the rescue
of a swan in a duckling's eyes

***

You, of all people, are proud of me
You who already has a title before your name
You who topped the pre-test exams of a deadly subject
You who graduated on time
You are proud of me

and You inspired me
to do my best.

Thank you.
I'll hope I'll see you tomorrow. :)

(Funny)

You're off limits, I know that's true
I could still remember the first day I saw you
descending from the stairs with the guy who liked me
Remember how I said your name, said Hi and waved
and you just smiled sheepishly,
as if not wanting him to be jealous.

Fast forward one year,
here we are at 2 AM
Chatting over Facebook
Sharing secrets we never told anyone
Laughing at each other,
asking questions.

You are older than me
you are already working
and yet we talk with such closeness
as if I see you everyday

I don't want you to be a romantic partner
In fact, the feeling is mutual that we don't consider each other that way

Tonight the hours passed
and you tell me how good the conversation was.
I have to agree.
And I have to say goodbye :))

Thank you.
You may not be The One for me,
but you do help me think through things.
I might just introduce to you my Mr. Right someday
and you'll screen him like a good older brother
that you are to me.

Thank you.

We are like brothers and sisters
with an extra concern as friends.

More

My vision was too messed up to see you
that I guessed you were the tall guy wearing yellow.
The meeting lasted for several minutes,
still clueless if you were there.
I think you were studying for an exam.

The moment we finished, you stood up and said,
"Bye guys"
You started walking, then paused a little farther than me and said,
"Bye Sam."

Couldn't help giggling afterwards.
"Bye guys, bye Sam"?
:))

Ironic

And one day, you posted:

----------------Girls---------
-----------are like apples------
-------on trees. The best ones-----
-----are at the top of the tree.-----
---The boys don't want to reach---
--for the good ones because they--
-r afraid of falling and getting hurt.-
-Instead, they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong with them when in
-reality they're amazing. They just--
---have to wait for the right boy to
---- come along, the one who's-
----------- brave enough to-----
---------------climb all---------
---------------the way------
--------------to the top----
--------------of the tree ----

Hands on me

I have never enjoyed our conversation as much :)

Thank you for making me keep a sweet secret
When I lost my thousand bucks
and I never wanted to tell you I did
because you would tease me that you could give it to me that second.

Thank you for always looking out for me
laughing at the way I laugh
and sitting beside me to talk to me more
Your presence, the honesty in your eyes
and your sincerity stirs something in my heart

Thank you for desiring to know me more
for wanting to read my blog,
asking me questions about my future,
thinking with me through it
even wanting me to stay for a semester longer.

Thank you for sharing me your dreams,
anxieties, questions, wonders and thoughts
It makes me feel like I'm not alone through this all
We have big ambitions that we are so frustrated to work on
And to hear that from you is enlightening.
It means you are a man with direction.

Thank you.
I'm trying to keep this in a non-romantic way.
I have no hallucinations that you like me.
Or not?
The way we say goodbye,
makes me think twice.
But anyway, it doesn't matter now
Whether you want me or not
All that matters is...
we're friends.
And I feel happy being with you.
Because you are one of the rare guys
that actually wanted to know me more.
Whatever the future holds, I don't want to jump into it
Let us take it slow,
take our time,
that even though we part ways,
we always will have that thread of friendship.
That connection forever.

Nuts

"Weak. Donuts," you said out of the blue.

"Donuts?" asked I.

"Masarap yun. Donuts"

"Better if it's shared," I laughed.

"I'm just saying donuts. I'm not saying I'm eating donuts."

"Just saying it's better shared. Donuts are sweet zeroes." says I.

Literally, sweet zeroes.

Aside from the fact that it's zero-shaped

You get loads of sugar from the bagel and the cream on top

It fills you, makes your stomach heavier, makes you fatter

Yet gives you NOTHING.

No nutrients, no vitamins or minerals.
Unhealthy.

Just empty calories.

Much like us, I would have said

We're sweet zeroes.

Sweet when we're together

With all the jokes and the proximity

But completely meaningless deep inside.

No commitment. No exclusivity

No promises. No love.

Just

Sweet

Nothings.

We're donuts, man.
And we're starting to spoil.

Left Alone

I remember how we are used to...
I remember the old days when you were with me...
I remember when I was the only one...
I remember when they were not there...
I don't know if you do,
But I remember...

Like a little girl with a kite on a hurricane
I held on to you.
As tight as I could
Didn't want you to leave,
didn't want you to go anywhere without me
But eventually,
the string wounded my clamped fingers,
and the hurricane slapped my face as if saying,
"Let go of him."
And I let go.
Not intentionally, not even one bit.
Out of hurt, out of pain,
in the name of healing,

I let go
and surrendered you to the hurricane.

It wasn't long before you were soaring up in the skies
Enjoying the view from the top,
Finding out what you were made for
*without me*
Having your ups and downs
*without me*
With all your stories I'm dying to hear
*but I don't*

The thread that once connected us
Snapped
And I am left with a few inches worth
of memories
While you take everything else
with you.

Seeing you up there
Made me wish I was with you

Like before
From the start.

Take me with you....
if you could....
But I know you wouldn't.

Maybe I should just find
my own happiness
and dreams
and
love
here on the ground,
without you.

So Good to Me

"Is he still your crush?" my friend asked me, after we talked to you.
"Uh... no?"
"You two seemed closer now than before."
"If I'm ever comfortable at someone, it only means that I don't have a crush on them."
She digested it.
I continued, "Do you know what I do when I have a crush on someone? I run. Like, literally. I run away."
"It's like you two could be best friends."
"I don't like that word. Best friends. Ugh."

Because I usually for them,
because of the comfort I feel with them.

With you?

Love Cycles

What starts in late August
That blossoms in September
with its thorns and roses
and vines that intertwine
Dies in early October.
(the other guy)

I'm praying for you,
Mr. Ideal Guy
(sacred)

Rise and Fall

A year ago, when we have just started to talk
You told me that there was no way you can commit.
Every encounter with a girl
is just categorized over "Fling".

Told you, like a nice older sister,
that it's wrong.
A waste of time,
a mean thing to do
that you should avoid.

Almost a year later,
that's all I could call us.
A "fling".

Bittersweet, eh?

Deny to Death

"Weak, weak"
You called me.
I wanna hear it. Every time
From your lips to mine.
I ignored you.

A gust of anger swept through you
and you left.

Come back,
my silence said.
Talk to me again.
Don't just call me Weak.
Talk to me!

You were sitting far off.
My stubbornness crept closer to you
but it is much stronger.
It resisted the very thing that attracts it
My stubbornness is used to that.


"Skwater"
You texted me
I put my phone down, angry at first
That's all you could say?
Convinced not to give a damn,
I still replied.

"Skwater ka jan"
As cold, as neutral, as angry as I could.
Thought twice if I should go unlimited to talk to you more.
You didn't reply.
And again my silence groaned,
Come back.

Come back
To where we were before.

Back when neither of us get hurt
When "Weak" is all you could say
And to ignore you is all I could do.
And that's all right.

Back when there was no expectation to be loving
Accommodating,
exclusive.

Back when you and I were just friends
And to talk and insult each other is what we do best
Instead of pushing these feelings into tiny bottles of silence
That are weighing heavier and heavier each time

Changes Everything

Two guys
Same type

They are flirtatious
They are indecisive
They don't know what they want
They had tons of friends
They are outgoing
Active
Body movers
Hot
Tall
Dark
Handsome
Had girls falling for them

Close friends with me.

Same pattern over and over again.
When will this end?

When will I find the right one?

(Sacred)

Now here's another chapter. :)

For years there was no buzz about us.

The first time I saw you was at a party

Your hair was long
your shirt was sweaty
As you inch your way to the next musical instrument,
my camera caught a glimpse of you.

Fast forward to summer,
where I began noticing your ankles and your shoes first
without knowing you are the same person.

You always had that basketball player look:
White shirt, black shorts and rubber shoes
And a gentle way of approaching girls
that make them know that you are not there to charm them.

We have made hundreds of memories that were easily forgotten
Moments that were never counted,
like the way we held hands for a brief second as I leave
The way you kidded me about washing dishes
The way you laughed at my appetite for food.

Fast forward years later
We never got to move forward
Because of a lie I believed
that you liked her.

But tonight,
like that morning where we shot a cheezy video together
You tell me about another girl
like I am your friend.
Sitting beside you, for the first time
Afraid and concerned and...
Friends
just friends, but wanting it that way.
As the September winds choked us
and the evening let our guards down.

We will graduate together,
I hope that's for sure.
I promise not to ignore you anymore.



A lot of things can happen in 6 months.
A lot can happen in a year.

You are a special kind of individual
A faithful wimp, if I may dichotomize
But faithful either way.

I hope that you would become brave enough someday.

Douche

One moment you are looking at me
The next you're checking another one out
One second your are caught in a trance at my sight
The next you're tagging along lunches with another

I have considered that I deserve someone better
The hell I do.
Better than your half-hearted, coward attempts
at charming me.

There is no denying
that I was captivated for a while

But now the wake up call sounded
from the way your ears point
Your eyes light up
At your next prospect,

your next prey.

I am not wounded
but, for real, it was a near-death experience.

Go find another victim.
You found yourself a survivor.

How to Love

As the street lights passed by
and the cool air brushed through my cheeks
beneath the surface of chit chats,
a thought formed in my head.

I could never trust guys.

They are never faithful,
they are always after sex: after our bodies
Touching us, wanting our love
for the sake of it.

Men are either weak
that you could never expect them to do anything.
Or they could be so weak
that you could expect them to rely on your body to stroke their ego.

There is either a faithful wimp
or a tactful jerk.

It is so obvious,
with the way you act,
that you are the latter.

Path of Least Resistance

My no has always been a final No
I said No to you last week
After all your awkwardness
and lack of courage to even approach me

I hate it: distance
Putting me on a pedestal
Therefore not reaching me altogether

To my surprise you approached me today
Same old high fives
I looked at you, curious, wondering, surprised
Hiding it

Then we walked together to the waiting shed
Agreeing to take the long way
So we could also talk longer
about nonsense things
about you
but never about us

I already told them I hate you
Though you don't know that
I already told them I hate how you are so flirtatious
and indirect, and coward
And now you're walking beside me
underneath the canopy of trees
on this beautiful afternoon,

The butterflies in my stomach
started laughing at me.

Battle

You have said your I love you's too much to too many
It's been years since I played that game
Gave up my player card long time ago
for an Angel that was never mine
But you are still here in your youth
Giving them away as if it would never run out
As if there would no hearts to be broken

Mine wasn't.

Too many memories with too many women
All together.
A place here for her,
Another place for another
The way you held hands with her
The way you hand lunch with another
Too many memories to remember
Too many to forget

Ours, part of it.

I wouldn't blame you
I've been there, I've done that
and abandoned that when I found someone
Amazing enough I'd give up my past, present and future games
Even if there's no guarantee that he will ever stop his

He didn't. He played a different game.

You're playing the same game
But I'm not playing with you

If I ever will,
You will surely
Surely.
Lose.

You're just an undergrad in that game
Nevermind that you are on top of it
I have graduated from that
but I'll play that game
To defeat you
Down
to
your
Knees.

Gush

Her skin was soft and supple
Her eyes were dark and gentle
Her lips curved into a luxurious, uncertain
Innocent smile
Yet her forehead foretells the charm she has

Her looks are deceiving,
vulnerable as it may
She was a strong-willed woman
She can argue you off in a snap

She is a child
throwing tantrums at the hospital door
Yet she is a woman taking it all in,
Betraying the number of her years

Her tears are never about weakness
it was an acceptance of reality
Her silence never meant fear
It was a moment to be herself
When she speaks, she never hesitates
to go up against an older one
And she carries herself the way she wants to
Never minding the discourses prevailing around her

She is her own self and she does not know it
She is simply the way she is
and I adore it

Gone

Didn't actually think someone could replace my Angel
But you did.
You showed me how it is to move on
The possibility of falling for someone else
To feel what I've felt years ago:
When everything was raw,
new and unfamiliar
terrifying
and thrilling.

But you are not mature enough for me
This I had known

At first you treated me like I was anybody else
Intimidating me
Making fun of me

Then you fell for me.

And suddenly you began controlling your emotions

Ignoring me
then chasing after me.

Touching my hand
then leaving without goodbyes.

Saying I'm your weakness
then not speaking to me.

It used to be so much better!
But now you're back to being "the other"

The crook's stealing my heart

You should've just told me.

Swear sometimes boys can be such a mess

Since Wednesday I was waiting to see you

Nevermind that night and rain fell at the same time

The desire to just see you and talk to you

After that fateful chasing sweet night

Abruptly it was replaced by your deliberate absence

Heard that you were staying away from me

Guarding my heart, guarding yours, maybe

You should've just told me baby

I was waiting for your message each day

Waiting for you to approach me like you do everyday

Instead there is this silence in your face

A silenced heart out of pain, out of struggle

Out of things that I didn't know

Baby you should've told me

If you will let me go

...

So this is how it goes?

Just when I thought, "At last you are here!"

You ride off to the hill watching over us

Watching over me

As the wind sandpapers my face

Blowing my sweaty hair away as I run panting

You stare at us from the distance

Until you are finally convinced you wanted to play

Never saying even a single word to me.

Not. A. Single. Word.

I waited for it

As we bump against each other

As I go face to face with you

You were so silent it pained me

What is more painful is the pain in your silence

As if you are not doing well

But you are trying.

It hurts me to not know about it

If it's me or something else

You can trust me and you know it

You could tell me, you could say it

But when we returned you just leave without goodbye

A far cry from where we were two nights ago

Unexpectedly it left me devastated

Over losing something I did not own

Over ending something that never began

Explain to me.

I need it.

That was so sweet

And unexpected
You running off after me like that
Me gazing at you, surprised
at the concern you gave that I didn't
When you said goodbye jokingly and I left

It was so thoughtful of you

And how you repeatedly gave me high-fives
Well,
You could hold this hand if you want to.

Just not now...

Guards Down

Told myself
I'm not that kinda girl
To fall hard and fast

Dreaming of you on my free time
Making you my desktop background
Not uploading photos of you with another girl
Even if they don't interest you

Told myself nothing could replace him
Now with a taste of you
My lips are searching for more
How unfaithful my heart is!

To see you jealous
Longing for me and
desiring me
is one of my fondest memory

Irresistible

Trying hard not to think about you
Gasping for breath anyway
You have caused my heart to stumble and fall
With every little thing that you have to say

I didn't find your face attractive
And he knows me better than you
Don't know why I even bother
Without knowing if this is true

Tell me why do we suddenly got attracted to each other
Always thinking of your body next to mine
I thought my heart was for nobody to conquer
Now all you do is make me rhyme.

Ain't Gonna Be

Everytime
From a distance you gaze at me
Disguising the desire to hold my hands

The next second
You are poking her
And taking pictures with another

Although it might have been special
You told her we were textmates
But is that all that I am to you?

You never strive to know my issues
Nor treat me like a girl more often
that you treat my like your secret lover

Excuse me,
I'm not your lover
if you don't love me.

Short-term missing

Oh I know it!
It wouldn't last a minute after college
You will go on to find another girl
And I would go on being busy, maybe finding another one like you in the same place as I.

Everyday we look forward to seeing each other
Even snatching a glimpse is enough to take a mental note on
I see now how you have been hiding from my eyes
Afraid that they will pierce you to the end of your soul
And reveal all the desires you feel for me
Yet at the end of the day you go on and wonder about me
Out of sight, out of mind, some say
But just about the time you start thinking of me
I start thinking of you too

Tonight at 1AM, I was wondering how you are
Since you were hiding from me
To my delight you texted me about how I was
I had no load and was about to sleep.
But I sneaked out of the house into the dark streets
Then went back in, in vain
Broke my fasting and asked someone to load me up
Just so I could text you back.

I wonder what you do for me.

Why can't we resist each other right now?
When we know that someday this might mean nothing at all?

Stolen

You missed training to sleep
You looked so gray and tired
It was so unusual of you, it's almost obvious that you're not feeling well

If I was another girl, I would have been angered by your absence
Probably the lack of courtesy to say you just text you won't go
The negligence there is that you didn't tell me until I've finished
The anticipation for you that afternoon when you never came
But looking at your eyes, so sad and worn
I couldn't say anything anymore.

I understand.
I'm not your girlfriend
(at least not yet?)
I'm not the type who asks for too much, if that is to a fault
You get drained of her vibrance and wit
At her sunshine and beauty.

At times you just wanted to sit down under a tree
Under a darkening canvass of clouds,
Talking honestly of your emotions--your feelings of not being special these days
Your thought that you are not appreciated by people
Or your insights of insignificance
That are not true.

I understand you.
Looking at the melancholy of your eyes moved me
I wanted so much to hug you, even as a friend
If there is anyone in the world who loves you, it is me
Without being romantic.

You look up at me with an extra spark...
Almost like a flickering candle in the wind
Which I was cupping with my hands so as to preserve for long

When you look at me.
You glance at the colors of her life but you feel more black and white

You can find comfort in me
In my voice, in my warmth and touch
I am here for you.

Suitcase of Memories

1. Having my own playlist in your iPod
2. Breathlessly telling me I look okay when I thought I look like a mess
3. Going earlier for the car pool just so we could talk
4. How I danced the rumba with you
5. Telling me I was your best friend
6. Talking to you about my parents while we were using the computer
7. Waiting for your mom to pick us up as if we came from a date
8. Shopping at Adidas with you
9. Having secret blogs that only we know about
10. Dedicating the song "Girlfriend" to me
11. Wearing my hat as you perform
12. Lending me a mermaid suit
13. Letting me copy your Math answers
14. Sitting at the waiting shed late at night, waiting for a ride
15. Watching Cinemalaya films with you
16. Confessing that you want to have sex even as an old man
17. Always saying you're happy for me when I have a new crush
18. Sleeping beside you
19. Getting drunk with you
20. Your first gift to me, even though you don't really give gifts: bangles
21. Liking photos that has nothing to do with you
22. Putting your arms on my shoulder at every picture
23. How we aim for success together, how you tell me bout your dreams
24. Pulling out a chair for me when I asked you to get off
25. Admitting that you almost courted me
26.

The Other Guy

Tell me if you're coming around soon
Because this long and lanky guy is waiting for me
I'm not his first choice, and neither is he mine
We hang out pretty often
His arms against mine
The first time he put his arms around me, it was a choke
The first time he held my hand was to help me up after he threw me
We have fun. Rough and physical fun.
We have pet names
And everyday I find myself looking for him at the corners
More and more
Ignoring him, but secretly rejoicing when he calls me weak
Trying to impress him with my raised eyebrows

Tell me, please tell me, if you're coming around soon
Maybe he and I could hang out more.

Unconditional

Maybe this could work after all,
To really love without expecting to be loved back
To cheer backstage and congratulate and be proud of you
Even though at the end of the day, my sole opinion would not matter much

Maybe watching you succeed, be the man that you could be
Is enough
Maybe I didn't have to be the girl you would want to tell your successes to

Maybe it's okay to not be the one and only.
When everybody cherishes you, I would just like be everybody
Only that my joy for you is much more intense, greater, stronger, more powerful
than anyone. But you wouldn't take a second look at it

Maybe wishing you would love me back is not necessary
Maybe I could love you so much without you loving me anyway

Maybe it's okay for you to be the best I never had
Instead of denying your worth that has become so much to me

Maybe instead of bringing down your statue that I have come to admire so much
Then have kept on the attic, to dust, to rot
Although deep inside I know that it could gather all the dust but it would still be glorious.
Maybe it is okay to display you. Admire your beauty and form
Instead of denying it at all

What if you are more beautiful than anything I will ever see?
Would it be okay if you were not mine, despite that?

I could imagine us together forever
Growing old, holding graying hands
Or forever young and adventurous, going on wild places
Conquering battles and conquering tears
As long as we're together

I tried imagining life without you
But it all ended up at the denial bin.
Life without you is like having my soul haunted by a ghost
Like a life scarred beautifully by an event I don't remember but I will never forget
Something will always be missing without you

I wanted so much to be a part of you
A part of your world
Be it a cold, dull one or a blooming, vivid one
I'd take it all
Whether or not you would like me to be a part of yours

Uncertainty and Mutuality

It's almost sloppy, talking to you
Like dogs with frothing mouths, eyes opening so wide
Your hands shake as it comes near mine
Almost smiling too wide for too long
Trembling, as if wanting to run off
Or engage in a deep, tight hug
That would take the words away like it should

Lingering, wanting to stay
Stalling by asking a question after question
On each other we are
like a leaf opening itself wide to the ray of sunshine
Take me as I am, take all of me, and I will take and cherish you
Stay with me, hearts intertwined
Forever if you permit


No one else is like you

Backnote poetry

It's like I blab aimlessly
To keep staring at your eyes
As wide as saucers
Your hair as thick as a lion's
Your smile as wide as the sea
Your body as hot as a sleeping volcano
You are swallowing me

***

Your presence triggers a hormonal response
My body heats up as if I'm a fertile soil
My heartbeat flutters for hours on end
My brain loses focus on the present time
My being starts longing for you

Bifurcation

I...
Shouldn't be thinking of you
Shouldn't be getting goosebumps upon seeing your photos
Shouldn't be searching for your face in the crowd
Shouldn't be imagining how you are just now

I thought I have moved on
I thought he could replace you
I thought a sudden rush of flirtation would make me forget you
I thought touching him, talking to him and making him fall to his knees
Would satisfy my thirst for you
But it doesn't.
How he pales in comparison to you, even if you do not love me!

How I replay everything you have said, magnifying clues that may be interpreted as love
You loved me, I know you did
Just not enough.

If there was a magic love potion to make you fall,
I certainly would avail of it
I would do anything just to have you with me
If this is selfishness, then tell me why can't I be selfish with somebody else?
I am only selfish for you.
I only love YOU.

Forget

Visions of you flashed even though I didn't see you
I wanted so much to erase them
bury them at the back of my mind
Flush them out of my system
Anything to get rid of you

I no longer wanted to be your lonesome prisoner
Your captive under the table
The secret widow grieving for the loss of what was never possessed


I wanted to dry my tears
To make myself smile,
not miserable inside
And find someone who will make me happy
Without comparing him to you


For the first time, I wished I never met you
Wished that I had amnesia that I would never have to greet you when I see you
No longer will I recognize your eyes or your form as you approach me
I would pass by you as if you are just like any other guy
who never meant anything to me
Whom I never met
Or I have,
but forgotten

I wanted to erase
every trace of you
in my heart
For it is less painful
That keeping you here.


GOODBYE
I REALLY HOPE I'LL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN

Si Mahiyain

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko
Habang yung ibang babae
Magaganda, sexy, maraming lalaki
Ako... maganda, sexy at matalino pa nga
Wala rin naman
Hindi nagpapakita ng magagandang litrato
Hindi nagsasalita
Hindi nagdadamit ng kung anong gusto
Dahil nahihiya
NAIINIS AKO SA SARILI KO
Bakit hindi ako maging ako
BAKIT HINDI KO MAGAWA ANG NASA ISIP KO!
AYOKO NA MAHIYA.
GUSTO KO NA LUMAYA

If ours was a real love story, I'm sure everyone will listen

The photos
The hands that touched
The bodies that collided, once or twice
The sweet words
The sticky stares
The wide smiles that reached our ears
The fancy hellos
The long goodbyes
The tears falling from our eyes
The hearts that met
But never confessed
The story untold, kept secret

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
~Sam Keen~

Three words

I miss who
I thought you
were. I miss
our younger years
before everything started

I can't undo
things. I can't
change you. And
I don't want
to. I love
you, as you
are. No matter
what, these three
words will remain

Files

I used to keep pictures of us together
Keep it in a folder
Inside my computer

Some days I would search for them
Open them in slides and just watch
The twinkle on your eyes
The smile on your lips
That made me giggle inside

Kept them
Sometimes edited them
With captions
"You belong with me"
"Friends forever"
"We're just friends, aren't we?"
With a playful wink emoticon
To signify the future things to come

That never came

But I wonder if this is really better

Ihahatid Kita, Isasakay Mo Ako

Matagal na natin itong inagawa
Sa bawat gabing katabi kita
Nakatingin papalayo, kunwari hindi ka katabi
Naghahanap
Ng salita
Ng masasabi
Na makapaglalayo sa nararamdaman ko

Dahan-dahang
Pinapapakiramadaman
Ang tibok ng puso mong hindi marinig-rinig
Palaging tahimik
Para sa 'kin

Ihahatid kita,
Isasakay mo ko
Isang dahilan para mapalapit sa'yo
Hindi gumagana kahit katabi kita
Hindi mahawakan ang kamay mo