To the person who will capture my heart

I need you to be adventurous.
Domestic time will never be my full-time
but a welcome break from all the adventures.
I need you to be my travel partner,
with a lustful desire to taste, see, and heart the world
to hold my hand and lead me up summit
to carry backpacks and offer water.
To dive with me and fly with me
to hold my hand when thrills come to tears
and to push me to the point of exhaustion.

I need you to blur the lines.
To wash my intimates without second thought
to make me salads when I have nothing to eat
to show up with a bucket of chicken
when I'm too weary to go out and dine.
I need you to sleep under the covers with me
and never make me feel the cold.
To clean the bathroom for me so I can have a good bath
and patiently wait for me as I do my makeup.

I need you to surprise me.
To hold your hand over my eyes during my birthday
only to find our friends singing the songs
To dance with me on formal events
and to sing songs for me onstage.
I need you to look good on a tux like a real gentleman.
To complement my flowy, shiny, evening gown
to make me feel like a real lady.

I need you to be there.
In the silences, around the noise, in the danger, and warmth
To be there in a heartbeat. To be close
To never leave. To always assure. To love
passionately, deeply, unendingly.

I need you to love
like I do.

First Date

So... you are.
20 years, one boyfriend, and a throng of flings later
You turned out to be my first intentional date.

Not a date disguised as a hang out.
Not waiting time for the group of friends to arrive.
Not alone together for shopping, movie watching, then to eat
Not "oh it's just dinner"

But a real date when you ask me when I'm free
and you come along an event I previously attended
so we could go to this too-common fast food afterwards
to stay until 11PM without running out of things to talk about

Who knew?
As our friends mistakenly arrive to see us
We could see them questioning why
but could only say goodbye with a giggle and a knowing smile

And this act won't make us together-together.
It's not a negotiation for an upcoming commitment
not even about defining a relationship
But merely getting to know each other --

Getting away from other people to get to know each other --
and just like that
My first date has never went so well.

And how we were too thrifty... or too clingy...
To take the trike home
So instead we walk beside the highway to continue talking
Until we reach my home.

And a kiss was even out of the question.
But we thanked each other for the time.

We both know as we parted ways,
that we really wanted to do this again.

And your words rung in my ears,
"You deserve someone
man enough for you."
Just like that.

Nothing. Nothing.

I looked up to watch you saunter upon me.
Eight long months of invisibility.
Finally you are now sitting right in front of me.
And as I gazed into your eyes expecting to feel something
The same beauty was there, but it was devoid of memory
As though your eyes did not change, but mine did.
And all I felt
is nothing.

Few minutes ago, my heart was racing at this momentous time
I haven't seen you in a while and I don't know
How my heart would handle the sight of you,
the voice of you, your thoughtful gaze, and unmistakable presence.

But something wore off.

We talked for a while, about the present. Me and you. And career.
My heart was not tempted to ask too personal questions.
Questions that we have always conversed about every time.
My tongue did not breech the territory of the heart,
which we both once were so familiar with.
My mouth did not cross the line of extra-friendship
And truth is, I did not even force it to.
Somehow it just dropped the ball
that was supposed to bounce on you.

And as we sit side by side, I wondered if we will
talk in hushed voices as if no one's around.
But my heart was too indifferent to make an effort.
And even though I planned on messaging you this season,
I can't even think of a reason to do it.

So this is how it feels.
And this is really how it ends.

With nothing. That can turn to something.
Finally, we can be just friends.

My heart still cries out for you

I'm not foolish.
I know how it is to be heart broken.
The pain of remembrance,
the anguish among the separation,
the weight of the unsaid words,
the harshness of moving on,
the daunting task of forgetting.

I've experienced brokenness for the past years.
I've gone through various phases of denial,
self-pity, longing, impulsive desire, indecision,
regret, negotiation, comfort, and struggle
Over and over.

You can't tell me that I know nothing about it.
You can't tell me that the state I am now
is a product of unprocessed emotions and naivety.
I am not foolish. I know what it's like.
And I also know that I still see you as my future.

Sure, we have gone opposite directions.
Farther and farther apart,
with hollowness and emptiness in between.

I've watched myself let you go
by saying "no".
I've watched myself tell our story repeated
to people who are supposed to help me get over.
I've watched myself jealous over your new friends,
worried that you will find someone special.
I've watched myself cry to sleep
haunted by memories joyful and gone.
I've watched myself watch you
completely unaffected and being happy with your life.
I've watched myself pray, seek guidance,
and employ various methods to erase your mark.
I've watched myself befriend good guys,
only to compare them to you.
I've watched myself accepting the loss
and then slowly not caring about you.
I've watched myself change, be more joyful,
gain more friends, and get the bigger picture.

But somehow, my heart still cries out for you.
With the head knowledge, with the years of experience,
with the overwhelming hurt, with the acceptance,
I still think that it is better if we are together.

We are not the same people.
Time has changed us. People, places, experience,
things we did apart. I know that.
But still, there are things that are meant to find their way--
people--in another time and another place.
And I believe we are that kind of people.
These may be years of seemingly distant friendship.
But someday, I know, that we will be together.
Someday, we will make sense.
Someday, we will catch up on what we missed.
Someday, we will see how much we really have changed.
Someday, we will think that we're meant to be.
Someday, we will be together. And just by being together,
we become happy. We become better people.

I love you so much, my dear. And I haven't forgotten you.
Not a day has passed that I haven't thought of you.
I may have thought I didn't need you, and I didn't.
But somehow life is lovelier around you.

Someday, we will be together.
The fight isn't over.

Terrified

I couldn't stay for another minute
and watch the sequel to the story I thought I quit.
There are so many years to compare it to.
Years that were vivid, pulsating, and clear
and it was nothing compared to today's silence,
absence, and lackluster.
I just couldn't stand to have a bad memory
to tarnish another memory.

So I had to go. Nowhere. Lie about where.

But what I can never escape is this emptiness
that this year was worse than the last
and there was nobody to care about it anymore.

This was the season of hope, of activity,
but now in the cold of the evening, fighting back
irrational tears... I plunged into a deep numbness.

D could be there to listen, but for some reason he's gone
J could have been there to walk me home
R could have talked to me instead of liking someone else
But nobody was there to accept my trembling heart,
waiting to pour out grief and bitterness.

There is no vessel, and I would hate to explode there
I really had to leave and deal with this alone.

For I can't imagine sharing it with someone else.

Directions

Dreams. Reality. With you I don't know which is which.

I'm trying so hard to fight this growing feeling.
But when you're around, I just can't help walking to you
as if being with you is the best thing in the world.
And I don't know why because all we seemed to talk about
are problems, trivialities during the day, joking, and laughing--
yet they were the best times and I never regret being with you.
I didn't see this coming, this fluttering heart as I wake up
A confusing prayer before I sleep, jealousy in the middle,
and the long walks ahead of everybody.

I want to stay away from you because I don't want to leave you.
And secretly, I'm afraid you might not want to leave me too.

There should be far too many things to think about such as,
a better guy, a more stable relationship, a single direction.
The non-negotiables that are now being flushed down the drain
of love songs in which you came to mind.

I'm afraid that I might lead you on when commitment threatens.
I'm afraid that you too will be attached with me and decide
that it is me you're looking for, when I still don't know what
I would want to find.

And I know it's mean and cruel to enjoy so much of our friendship
while nurturing these growing feelings. But when you're around
my soul is thirsty for your presence, your conversation, your being.

Part of me wants to run as fast as I can before we do any damage
but a bigger part wants to see where this could go, and just enjoy
the moment when you become one of my closest friends

And as we walk through the streets, with fingers tingling
As we sit quietly both relaxing and wondering what is going on
As we kid each other and tend to our own relationships
and find our way back to each other
As we spend countless dinners together
the semi-dates, the bus rides, the walks home

I don't want to catch the flu of loving you,
but it seems I already have it
and am constantly, constantly trying
to push it down and keep it in...

For a Start

The long ride home could have been that was alone,
I was hoping that you were along the corner and saw that she left
That there is a space and there is no one else I would want to sit with me
Other than you, and spend hours just talking. Idly, as I look out the window
and you keep an earphone on one side.

And our eyes will meet for but a few moments when it gets to the personal part
where you confess, that you were that guy who asked every girl to dance
but ended up alone in one room with nobody in your arms.

Where you confess the lonely tables and the empty chairs during lunch times,
the childhoods spent inside the house playing video games
And how you were given a planetarium, chemistry books, robots, and toy cars,
but you were always alone with all these stuff.

How you would cringe at the thought of the depth of your admissions,
and how at the back of your mind you are afraid that I would pity you
But you share them anyway. Lay your cards on the table as the bus whizzes through the night traffic and busy commuters and city street lights.

Beside me, underneath a cold air conditioning,
somehow it was warm and somehow even though we said we wanted to sleep through the travel, we ended up talking the whole ride home.
About your favorite music and your deep-seated issues

And everyone says you are so undesirable because of them -- your scars
that are somehow out in the open but have never healed at all.
Everybody wants to change you, and at one point, I did, too.
To solve your puzzle and uncover your mystery and simplify your complications
and to see you finally emerge -- cleaned and sensitized and easy to understand

But somehow despite your ambiguities confusing me,
they are still the best companions that I will always look forward to.
I long to listen to them over and over again, if that is the only means to know you
And I know that the pit is bottomless and I don't know how they will end --
if the winding and broken paths to your soul ever will --
but somehow, with curiosity and with the light of care,
I wanted to fall on it. On you. On your darkness and weirdness and fuzzy details
because somehow it reminds me of the times when strangeness was my only friend and the only way I could ever be myself.

And I could be myself, and you also probe around my rounded square corners
without hesitation or analysis or even a conclusion.
Maybe we're are not meant to solve anything, what's going on within us and between us.
Maybe the discoveries will never end, and that will be fine. That way
you will always have a reason to sit beside me on long bus ride evenings.
Like you just did that night.

Someday you and me

Maybe I still believe that someday
our story that's been paused
will be continued in another day.

Maybe someday our paths would cross
in an unassuming busy place
and we would stop and stare
at the eyes that was once always there

And we would want to catch up
over a downtown coffee shop
Time slows down and rewinds
as we laugh at the old times
And your eyes will be different
yet strangely familiar
I would vaguely remember
at our youthful banters,
the nights that were too long
Intensities of secret emotions
and tears over short-term partings

And how I would amusingly think
about luck bringing us together
as if giving us a chance
to continue the stories of each other

And the words unsaid will surface
the memories will be a lot clearer
We'd catch up on what we missed
and for some reason we become closer

And closer and closer and someday again
we will meet in the same coffee shop
No longer just friends
and before we go down the aisle
we would think,
how playful luck must have been
to bring back an old lost link

Seventeen Again

If we can turn back time

and we would be

seventeen again

Way back when

we were wise and impulsive

and raw and rough

I would have

held you tight that morning

and dried your tears that night

I would have

grabbed your hand as we walked

and say I love you as we walked

I would have

accompanied you to wherever you will go

and gladly do as you told me

I would have

attended all your recitals and performances

and met all of your friends

I would have

listened to all your stories

and tell you all of mine

I would have

not let you go.

It is easier to say now

but could I really have afforded

letting myself go?

Jerk nerd photographer

With all your snobbishness and shallowness
I wonder why I still see the light
Perhaps that first instance, your smile behind the counter
and the gentle way you set my coffee mug down
with the weird way you introduce your weird name
caught me, and still lingers.

Somehow despite my friend hating you,
there are times when I watch you taking photos
of a laughing kid, and at how much you enjoy
entertaining guests, and then I think that
maybe you're not that bad after all.

And the way you already know my name
and gave me the seat you've been eyeing for,
I know it meant nothing but I feel a little closer anyway.

And I know they take you for granted and step on you
but I see a flower trampled over and I wished
that they realized your worth.

That yes, you are a jerk, kinda lame, but also kinda cute,
and you deserve someone to be with even in your alone time
and maybe, just maybe,
I hope that you could capture even for a moment
that it could be me.

First times

Don't you just wish
that people were blank slates when you meet them?

That the first time you meet their eyes,
it will be like they have never seen you before
despite the fact that you're nothing but ordinary

That they will remember very well your conversations
instead of thinking that they've heard this before
and they know exactly where it's going

That you will be the first person who will
make them feel lovable, and that they will believe that
instead of recalling a time when someone didn't mean it

That they are not nursing broken hearts
from past loves. Or reminiscing past kisses,
past hugs, past places, and memories when they're with you

That nobody has gotten closer to their hearts than you
and that they have no intimate other
to compare their experiences with you to

That the dating places are new, and the company is novel
the gifts, the parting hug, and the ride home
will make their hearts dance

That when you take everything off and you're naked,
they shyly gaze at your eyes hoping you'll love
the first time they ever showed their bodies to anybody

That they have never fallen in love with anyone
and never would have thought they will
if you didn't show up and changed everything.

First Date

And then I was imagining
what restaurant we will be eating
The lights are dim
and your eyes are smiling

Tears would fall at
Some confessions about the heart
but our presence and friendship
will bring much comfort

And then you walk me home
and then you hold my hand
I look at you and say your name
in front of our gate we stand

I didn't let go
and inched closer to you
Engulfed you in a warm hug
like there was nothing else to do

The goodbyes were sweet
as I walk to the door
But behind them we'd stop
trembling at the core.

All of those would have
made my night a fairytale.
Oh why did you not make it
with shameless hope we failed.

6:38

Junichiro,

What made me fall for you?

I want to remember

and experience it again.

Into the Lair

I gazed at your bed head
At how you are wearing pajamas
and an old undershirt
As you walk me to my office.

People have passed by the office
But nobody has entered it yet
and to be honest, I was quite hesitant
when you said you want to come inside

You gazed at my silent spot
and I got embarrased
at such a small, dark corner
and my heart was tingling when
you eyes laid upon

The table, the old computer,
the shut lamp
and the printer.

And then you discovered
about being paid at a minimum
and you just nod your head
curiously.

I wanted you to get out
as soon as possible
I wanted to drive you away
and save the privacy of my job

Because nobody has known
about it. Nobody has entered
the office, until this morning

Until your footsteps landed on the door
and your hands brushed the tables
and your eyes laid on the floor

and your heart

closer

to mine

When You Were Around

It was better
To have you
with a guitar sling
a low voice
and a toothy smile.

It was better
to have you
taking videos
faking photos
and acting like
a tv show host.

It was better
to have you
catching the frisbee
and blocking
the opposite team.

It was better
to have you
on late night dinners
where we talk about
marriage, adolescence
and dreams.

It was better
to have you
carrying bags,
opening doors,
volunteering seats,
guarding guys,
jamming,
telling funny stories,
caring,
listening,
speaking,
singing,
guessing,
rolling in the mud,
playing games,
walking me home,
meeting for dinner,
eating...

Whatever it is,
it was better
to have you.

If You Keep Your Heart Out of Sight

You never mentioned, how long
You never said, since when
You never uttered, just how
You never told me, until now

Your eyes were glistening
As you said,
It was before and after her
that you were led

To think that it was me.
And those nights
that you watched me sleeping
made sense.

The songs that we sang
the swift hold of hands
How you walked me home
with your voice down low

How you always looked at me with wonder
How you laughed at my ways
How you cooked spaghetti
just for one.

If you said it before
These wouldn't be at all possible
But now that you said it,
when we still had songs
and I still invite you home.

This might be just the perfect time.

Time for what, I never know.
I just know that I wanted to know
How you came to like me so.

Who wouldn't fall for her?

She's everything a guy wants.
very, very beautiful
Some sunshine, a beautiful smile,
a kind heart, a loving hug,
a happy and hearty laugh
good friends and good track record.
She is perfect
And I'm not her.
And I'm in no competition with her
She probably has your full attention
She asks you for dates and credits you
and calls you her friend
She obviously likes you
that she even initiates.
She's everybody's dream girl and you have her
chasing after you.
Damn.
I have nothing. You've been with her longer
and I am in no place.
She appreciates your poetry as much as I do
your wisdom, complexity, and action.
I have seen you defend her,
and boy was I jealous.
I could clearly see that she could be your only one.
Or do I?
Or does a part of me
still hope
that you would like
someone with a dimmer shine,
a smile that isn't always perfect
a life that wanders in fast and slow paces
an absence that wishes for you to chase
a simplicity and a quietness
that hopes to be with you.

I have nothing to fight for with her
But I was hoping
that you would settle
for something less than perfect.

Don't lead him on

You know you can.
You know very well you can.

But you know that you shouldn't.

I know you've been here before.
I know you can twirl him around your fingers,
and make him fall on his knees.

You don't need to prove it.

I know you can pull his strings
and make him go crazy over your calculated smiles,
flattering attention, and effortless efforts.

I know you can bring out something in him he doesn't know he has,
like the ability to pursue, the capability to think over and over you,
simply, to love.

He will look forward to seeing you to the point that he becomes
saddened by your absence when you used to be just one person.
He will walk you home, make it a point to always sit beside you.
He will pour out his heart in a text message, he will want to stalk you.
He will talk about you with his guy friends, and he will miss you when you're gone.
He will think about you in the most mundane songs, in cliche quotes,
and in predictable plots from movies and books.

You will be his first love. The first beautiful girl who actually took the time
and paid attention to his weirdness and isolation.
Yet you know in your heart that he is not the one.
That although you feel butterflies in your stomach,
a rotten feeling is there knowing that it is your hungry ego going for the kill
He is a friend. He is your friend. And yet how could you draw him into
a trap with no escape except through a heartache that he doesn't deserve?

You said you like good guys, but that's only because they won't fight back.
The will accept loss and they will not hold you accountable.
They will give you the ball and let you do the playing, and they will not cheat
because they actually have pure hearts who can and want to actually love.
They will not hate you or think that you are a jerk
and yet they would still nurture that feeling of love...
that you used to feel for someone else until he used it to his own advantage.

Do not feed into the temptation of leading him on.
Deep down, you know that he is a good guy, and he deserves a better girl.
A girl who will shower him with love not because of what he could give her
but because she really loves him, flaws and all.
He does not deserve to love a girl whose only concern
are the butterflies, the attention, and the concern.
And that's not you, as of the moment.

No, he is a good guy. He makes a good boyfriend. But please, he is your friend.
Don't do this to him. Don't destroy his faith in women.
Don't let him be like you, who felt broken and shattered.
The world has had enough of brokenness and shattering.
Be a good friend this time, even if it meant not befriending him too much.

He makes your heart beat

With a glance you looked at him from afar.
He was buying tickets to the train and was counting change
and you gaze at him momentarily, at his busy eyes
seemingly ignored, seemingly ordinary
but at that time you understood what was magical about him

And even though you watch him talk quietly with one,
aware that you will never come as close,
and even as you bitterly heard his song for another,
hurt by the fact that it wasn't you,
you are reminded of that picture.
Of him counting change in the booth
so near, yet oh-so far, so painfully beautiful

Smokes and Mirrors

I have finally said your name

And this will be with finality.

I'm sorry I would have to move on.

Your disappearance has undeniably left me scarred

And somehow in my heart I think I will be scarred for life

So long as I could see you happy, and me not with you. Or not as happy as you

I'm sorry I envied you. Sorry hat I wished you would fail just to comfort me

I'm sorry if I have attributed all my brokenness, everything that is wrong with me with your rejection of me.

It was not your fault. It was not your call, but I blamed you.

I'm sorry if you are the evil in my life.

That every time I think of not being loved, of not having good friends, of not enjoying life, of not having a bright future,

I have you in mind as a scapegoat, when you were innocently living your life

I'm sorry if the pain I have caused to myself has your name written on it

I'm sorry for blaming you for not completing me, and giving me the love, the care, the attention and the future I thought I deserved

I'm sorry if you became the main reason why I am sad, why I am broken, and why I am beyond repair

You didn't even consciously do it, but I had to crucify my insecurities, my needs, and my self-pity with you

I'm sorry that it was your image that keeps popping up my head, as the answer to the questions. That I thought you have denied me of my right to feel loved, cared for, and wanted.

I'm sorry if my emptiness sought you as a filling. That only your return, your assurance, and your love could ever make me well, could make me succeed, and could make me happy.

I'm sorry if I have caused myself so much unhappiness by pondering over your absence and for accusing you of wrecking me
I'm sorry if I prided myself of being able to love unconditionally, when it was only a matter of a sense of entitlement that was denied
I'm sorry for not being okay for the longest time and all my mind ever came up with was that it was your doing

I'm sorry if I keep banging my head on the wall occasionally, just because of my selfish desire and craving for your past attention

I'm sorry that it is you that I sought - your companionship, your prodding, your presence that I mistakenly thought would quell my inadequacies
I'm sorry if I keep comparing every guy to you. That they had to meet your standards of looks, brains, talent, passion, and personality
For how I screened and judged them with you as a template
I'm sorry if I can't move on with my life, and you are the name I give. How you never mistreated me, but still I insisted that you damaged me
I'm sorry for pointing fingers at you, when the tears fall because I have sensed I have lost a part of me. Sorry for letting that part of me dissolve in an obsessive idea of you
I'm sorry I hated you when you did not come to my rescue during the times when I deluded myself into thinking that you could cure me
I'm sorry for constantly searching for you, like an addictive drug. For writing poetry, for crying, for desperately llonging during times of silence for you. I know you did not want any of that as much as I did, but it had to be you who's the beloved
I'm sorry for the complexities my emotions brought upon myself and even our friendship. For driving you away while attempting to pull you close. For creating sites to know how you are and then deleting them. For watching your every move even though I claimed I'm trying to move on.

I'm sorry that it had to be you who gets all the blame, the badmouthing from my friends, the source of jealousy, envy, and a vision of cruelty for a love not returned

But it was never your fault I realized. All these smokes and mirrors are but a creation of myself. You were never in the picture if not as a dart board for all my personal issues that you will never even solve

I am not miserable because of you, but I have made you the reason to make me miserable.

So I'm sorry for all those years of foolishly thinking that you will ever come back and make me happy and perfect and problem-free. I realized that you are not the answer to everything.

It is merely me creating all these problems, and I don't want to put the blame on you ever again. Ever.

I'm sorry.

This is where we've ended

Nearness of You

It's so crazy, pretending you don't astound me
Looking away in fear of being looked at
Avoiding in case we cross paths
Wishing we will never have that first conversation
Praying that we won't have to meet again
All because I have this stupid,
head over heels feeling over you.

You amaze me.
Your story lights up something in my heart
Your simplicity, the beauty of your face,
it captures me, and I'd hate to show I'm captive

When will we be introduced?
When will I or you break the silence?
How many times do our paths have to cross
Before our first real encounter?

I could only dread the possibility
of a toothy smile,
a darting glance,
a self-conscious awkwardness,

Yet when that time comes,
I want to be able to look into your eyes,
smile quietly, and connect.

Nerves bless me.

Butterflies

I wanna see you again.

Pep Rally

September 19

__

My loose white sweatshirt hung gently across my shoulders. Brown curly hair spilled on my collar. I looked perfect and I’m looking for you.

Even though I’m convinced you haven’t had the time to bother watching some pep rally – you have organization meetings, overtime academic work, or some dinner out with your cool friends – still, I hoped I see you there. To see my new hair, to ask how I am, just to stare into your eyes as we talk is enough, actually. That was enough – just to see you.

I smiled and cheered happily and I remembered the last time I was at the cheerdance competition. It was with you. Back in the time when I was the only one you got. Now, I could only imagine you being some famous campus person, while I graduated anonymously. And I don’t even know how we got there, but we got a wide distance apart from each other. After three years of it, I’m still not used to not having you.

I was happy with my companion: my officemate who is bubbly and talkative. At least she ridded us of the silence, and I actually felt really giddy watching the performance. It felt like I was college again, then again I was college just five months ago.

I could only wish you were there during my graduation. We’d snap a photo like we did during our high school graduation. But five months ago I had a beautiful dress on and you weren’t there. Next year you would be dressed and honored and awarded and, well, you wouldn’t mind if I was even there.

Still, something in me hopes that I still matter to you the way you still mattered to me. This has got to be the real test of love. Not seeing each other, not having a faintest belief of ending up together, but a hope still alive although completely quiet. Something in me hopes that we will end up together anyway. No matter how different things have become and will be, somehow, somewhere, sometime, we will find each other and I would sigh in relief knowing that I hoped correctly.

In fact, this hope is so strong that I am convinced it will happen. That the moment will come when I would say, “I knew it all along” or “we’ve finally found it”, and you would smile with that old smile and wide-eyed the way you have never been wide-eyed and juvenile before. The way you were with me, before.

All of this is weird, and I’m sure nobody would understand my feelings perfectly. I still love you, and somehow I know I could not replace you, and nobody would come even an inch closer to you. I have loved you the way I have never loved anyone before. And I don’t even want to possess you. If you loved me back, it would be a real bonus, but my love for you has been in a pedestal and I don’t expect it back. I am perfectly content in savoring this secret, this tiny glow of a mix of memory and hope inside my chest. It is the purest, most unselfish thing I have ever felt. And for a moment, I never even cared if I deserve better than this. I love the unrequitedness as it is, because I loved you more.

Perhaps this is sounding too soft, but that is how I feel about you. I have met a lot of terrific guys: smart, heartthrobs, successful, good-looking, but nothing compares to you. You are great, but perhaps even if I found someone greater, I would still go back to my first love. Or my first heartbreak. It is the taste I would never cease to crave for, a memory I will carry with me to the grave and not erase. It was so eternal, this love, that the years that passed by of you not knowing it, never spoiled it or chipped even the smallest piece of it.

I haven’t even entertained the thought of what could have happened if I told you. That would be a different plane. Sometimes I think I wanted to keep things as is, because of the uncertainty that comes with a confession. As I’ve said, I was never obsessed with the idea that you could even take a second look at me again, so I don’t see the point.

I don’t think you completely are not aware of my love. Somehow you must have seen it in my eyes, my smile, the way everything I feel is so intense with you around. With the way I speak, the way I found something to connect with you, the way I avoided you only because I wanted to be so dangerously close. You can’t be that dense, that clueless.

And I do love you, if you ask me. I do, and denying it would be a lie. It’s just a simple truth, it’s like asking the sun if it’s hot. It didn’t tell you the degrees of its heat, the deadly ray it emits, but you feel it on your skin and you don’t have to be told. That’s how I feel about my love for you. It has always been there even if I don’t tell you. My silence is simply letting you have a choice. Perhaps the only condition I have is that you would come to love me on your own. I didn’t want to provoke you, seduce, entice, or anything to that effect. I wanted you to choose me because you loved me.

And I f you love me, I don’t care if it wasn’t as much as I have loved you. I have always been such a quitter when it comes to love. The slightest mistakes and I’m off. But this doesn’t seem to apply when I think about you. With you, you are free to make mistakes, you are free to hurt me, you are free to find something else, but I know that I would still love you, and you wouldn’t leave me anyway if we get to that level.

I love you for who you are, your imperfections and future mistakes. This cannot be blind, because I have seen it all, and it would not change whatever things I’ll see in the future. My love has endured silence, it would endure anything with you around.

Oh, it would be my greatest joy if we ended up together, even though I no longer think it is possible. Maybe someday we would find each other, and things would go smoothly. I would be able to say I love you, and you would be able to lay your heart for me, too. But where it would happen seems to be a distant world. Maybe my soul would find yours in the next. And I’m sorry for my previous soul if I had failed her. But I wouldn’t abandon your freedom to choose with my impatience.

I love you, dear, and I forever would. Someday, I would like to call you my husband. While I wait for that time, in this life or the next, I would never cease loving you – in silence, in agony, in joy, in secret. My love will never change, my love will stay the same.

Protection

I can't possibly be thinking about you today.

It's your job to do that.
It was your job.

You're the one who noticed we were always teammates
That when I was heading something, you were heading another
That when I planned on going to Indonesia, you were also on board
That when I was a member of something, you also were in it

You're the one who noticed that I asked "how are you?" many times
I didn't even know, but you appreciated it

You're the one who was in the background, always with me
Yet I don't even take a second glance that you were

You're the one who asked if I could go to the mall shopping
You're the one I spent lunch with on your birthday
It was something I'd like to give meaning to,

But I didn't want to do it.
I didn't want to do this.
To be thinking of you, and wondering how it would be if we end up together

I didn't want to be checking your blog every time to see if you posted
I didn't want to look at you, saddened by the fact I won't be seeing you for a while
I didn't want to take second glances at how you look really good
I didn't want to have my heart pumping hard because you sat next to me
I didn't want to keep texting just in case you will reply
I didn't want to worry about girls approaching you and probably noticing you
I didn't want to feel that flutter as I remember our walk home
I didn't want to reminisce about the times I missed it:
that you are there!

I didn't want to struggle for you.


Maybe,
I didn't want to struggle alone..

Say Goodnight and Go

We had nothing in common
until you spent lunch with me on your birthday
and insisted that I try sharing

I was fighting back the tears
as your words pierced through my heart
and how the kindness in your eyes,
even though they fail to meet mine
made me want to believe again.

Fast forward to
the way you looked at me as I enter the room
smiling, as if saying, "You're here!"
and how you gave me high five
as I stared into space, slightly jealous.

The conversation about blogging
as we walk our way home
How I never wanted to walk side by side anyone else
but you.

The kindness in your eyes,
and the way you looked in a black sweater
How I occasionally glance at you as we paced
and your eyes meet mine

The confessions and sharing
the encouragement and the longing
I tried to deny it, but that night it was there

You have always been around
but you were overlooked
It's like I'm seeing you for the first time

Oh how I loved when you sit close to me

The countless of photos of us together
How you noticed that we were always teammates
and I never even paid attention

As you walk off the street,
wanting to distance myself from you,
and afraid of the newfound stirrings in my heart
I wished for a continuation instead of an ending
a thread that will never snap
a connection that we will always come back to.

Don't let me go

Running around in my dreams

Was it...
an engagement ring that hung around my middle finger,
replacing my grandfather's?

Was it...
your tearful eyes, and smile so wide
saying "This is it!"

Was it...
you waiting for me at the end of the aisle
like witnessing some miracle

Was it...
me who steps out a white car
with a bouquet in my hands

Was it...
a lacy wedding dress with a wide trail
that flows after me as I walk in the red carpet

Was it...
a beautiful church filled with guests and friends
with hundreds of white tulips decorating the entrace

Was it...
you and I, finally, after no words have been spoken
announcing our love for each other

Or was it just...
a cruel dream the Lord has to give
that makes me want to realize that I have to stop doing this to myself?

You're nothing but a selfish, scared little girl who would rather lick her wounds than live

Because there's nobody

It's okay if you are not mine

Is this what they call unconditional love?
I could bear life without you.
No, not that.
I could bear life without you loving me.
It's been like this for years
I have come to accept that it won't be returned
Yet the silence of my confession satisfies me
The occasional escaping whimpers
and looking afar wondering how you are
The counting of months since I last saw you
and wondering how long it will take
The swallowing that I can't forget you
and the contentment that followed knowing it's true

Somehow I have lived without you
and I have been fine.
I have not moved on,
nor have I found anything close to replacing you
But somehow I'm okay with that
The distance, the silence, the missing conversations,
the could-have-been's, the what-if's,
the haunting memories and the broken resolutions,
I'm okay with it.
I don't feel defeated.
But I need to keep you here, for some reason I don't know.

What could I do without you?
I heard a story of losing a best friend
who helped my friend transition to college.
The first person that came to my mind was you.
If the pain didn't take you away from my heart,
if the suffering, if the tears, if the denied emotions
let you remain unmoved right here,
would death snatch you?
I can't bear the thought of losing you,
even if I technically didn't have you.

Somehow I think I should let you know everything
but I know that is not the answer, and it will not change anything.
I would rather give you the freedom to choose or reject me,
and if you do not choose me, it is rejection, and I have come to accept it
I have been given two years and counting to get used to it,
and I'd like to think that I am.
But if your freedom is taken by some black, eternal sleep,
how would that change me? Us?

Would I lament over these unspoken words,
wishing to turn back time and tell you and see how it went?
I know that it is only out of my own selfishness if I ever tell you
how much, how deep, how long I have loved you.
Yes, they may say, if you love someone, let him know
but why? So that you give them a reason to love you back?
I don't think confession ever comes without strings attached.
It is silent sacrifice and letting go without actually letting go
that is the purest form of love.
To give someone a choice, the freedom,
Let them be the beloved and you the lover

Do you ever need to know?
Even in death, I will cry and lament,
but I will love you anyway.

My Favorite Nightmare

Maybe it's perfectly normal
to have a person you will never forget
To have a memory you will never erase
or a feeling whose intensity will never fade

Maybe it's absolutely human
to long for what already is gone
To choke on that bittersweet pang of pain
or to be unable to let go of what could have been

Maybe they are not there to make your life miserable
maybe that is what life is exactly about

That no matter how the world tells you
that you can't be happy without moving on,
Maybe some things are not meant to move on
the past is part of the present, and will be of the future

Maybe there are truly people who will come only once
but are there to stay stubbornly inside your heart
Maybe they are not possible to replace,
and you will forever look for them anyway.

Maybe it is no use fighting the unrequited love off
or denying the existence of a love that should have been lost
Maybe pride or false hopes get in the way of acceptance
and the only way to be true is to accept what you cannot change

Maybe there are things you cannot change
and it may not be your fault, but it is what is destined
Maybe happily ever after are not the only endings
or even if they are, there will always that three dots
in place of an afterthought that maybe just maybe
what wasn't meant to be is what you would truly prefer

Even if what wasn't meant to be
does not truly exist
and your... not unhappiness... but dissatisfaction
is a mere ghost of an expectation lost in time.

Look into my eyes

Of all the people I could bump into.
It was you.
On your birthday.
After I have come from a long routine
and you, on a short mission trip.
We were supposed to eat alone
But we found each other
Oh, of all places, in a huge mall,
just in time
God crossed our paths.

It could have been another person
I could have missed you by seconds
Or a few meters,
but we just had to walk side by side each other
until we noticed we are familiar.

Maybe life is as such.
Aimless walking in a huge space
Always thinking about going from point A to B and nowhere else
Until we stop and pause and look around
and find that the people we wanted to really spend time with
are right by our side, right now.

As you make an attempt to look into my eyes
over burgers and French fries
I tell you the short parcel of my life
It was awkward, and you by all means encouraged it.
I was praying for learning to be vulnerable the day before
And here you are, demanding it and even saying you get hurt
when people don't share to you.

And so I had to. We both need to learn. To talk.
As I let you take a peek through a hole in my wall,
My voice was trembling, my eyes were watery
and my lips were quivering. I could not stand it.
I am not used to it.
But you listened. And you spoke.

And what you said struck me perfectly. Every word.
That moment, even as you struggle to look at me,
I respected you, and it made sense why we were pulled in one place.
We are both there to speak. Both there to listen
And the taxi ride, with your second voice, my newfound easiness with you
I thank heavens for a person like you

You are so not like me.
You don't have walls, you don't have hiding mechanisms
You were out in the open and nobody noticed
You felt unappreciated, and rightly so.
Just spending an unexpected lunch with you today
made me want some more

Chirpy

I hate your chirpy voice,
your high-pitched cheerful "hi"
Your exclamation-pointed post
with an emoticon of a wild smile

I hate your capital letters
seemingly energetic and high
The way you are friends with everybody
but always just acquaintances with them

I want your low voice back
the way your eyes sleepily wonder as we talk
I miss your tiredness and passivity
how you fall asleep in just a wink

I want your tearful eyes back
that night when we watched our movie
the way you seem to hug and push me away at the same time
and the preciousness of your attention

I want your introversion back
the way you don't give shit too easily
the walls you build and your aloofness to everybody
and the secret hole I've managed to carve right there

Now the hole is gone, and replaced with a big door,
that allowed everybody in,
but I don't know the way
seem to have lost the key

Because where the secret hole used to be
is just burned at the back of my memory

Questions

Isn't that sad?
That I still love you?

I am way better now.
You don't know the grief
of two years in tears

You don't know the pining,
and the secret hoping that you're waiting

You didn't feel how my hope broke
over and over and over

You didn't tire your friends from listening
at the same stories since time immemorial

You didn't hide the photos, deleted the conversations,
hid the feelings and stopped a breath

You didn't wake up at night crying
because of a wild dream that you would be loved

You didn't walk past the buildings
ad remembered a certain memory of a time passed

You didn't gaze outside the car
wondering if you should continue or stop

And that knowing that stopping is more painful
than continuing in pain
Because the love is so strong that no amount of pain
could ever extinguish it.

And now in silence, in surrender,
in broken pieces on the floor,
You didn't ever come to think
that you could ever love someone more.

No boyfriend zone

No boyfriend is allowed in my room
There panties and bras in this place
Spilled milk and take-out leftovers
Dirty closets and piled-up books

No guy is allowed in my diary
There are secrets and tears in that place
Unforgotten moments and buried memories
Deep insights and swirling daydreams

No man is allowed in my space
There is a cold that craves for warmth
Desires and longings fill its aura
One touch and a wall could break

No. You are not allowed here
You have to show yourself, your badge
Show your scars, your heart
What do you want from me?

No one is allowed here
No one is...
Please,
okay...
Thank you,
thank you.

It's Love

Many people still confuse ‘attachment’ with ‘love.’ Attachments are about fear and dependency and have more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love, because it isn’t about what others can give you, because you’re empty. It’s about what you can give others, because you’re already full.

Take me away from here

I want a ticket to anywhere
Escape the frozen world that I am encapsulated in
Break through the walls until they are but rubble on my feet
Run as fast as I can until there's nothing left but to wander
and be lost for a very long time.

Escape, escape, I want to be free
Get rid of all the familiarity
I want to cry, I want to laugh,
I want to break this stoned face
To well up my eyes with tears
And breathless gasping of air

I want to dance in the rain, instead of just getting wet
I want someone to wait for me outside the gates
With a car and a tank full of gas
Without a destination, but with an inner compass

The nooks and crannies of forsaken houses
The quietness of a midnight forest
Swimming at an unknown lake
Watching moonlight over a empty building
I wanted just to hold someone's hand
To hug and stay warm in someone's arm
Without bothering to think what will happen.

I don't want commitment, and long-terms
Just for tonight I want someone too familiar
to be for once a stranger
And just open up my heart and put something inside
Love, perhaps, warmth, novelty
Maybe just a company

I just wanted a way
to get away from here,
from everything...

He and I, and he and I

My heart is mine, but it beats for you

Flushes and butterflies and toothy smiles and starry eyes and, and, and,

This heart beats for you

It loves you, it takes you in, breathes you out, warms up for you

It looks forward to your words, it embraces your peculiarities

It goes out to you

It doesn't long for you,

but it does like you very much.

My heart is mine. I no longer hope, pine longingly that you love it

It just thinks of you a lot, during inconvenient times when it needs

some reminder to cheer up

It is fond of you, as it recalls the memories you and it had before

It is not sad that you are away, it doesn't want you for itself

But it does think that you are one of the things that are good.

It's not that it can't wait to be with you again.

I guess it's just that it likes you the way you are, even from afar

Not that you are its everything,

but you are one of its happy parts

Not that it looks forward to a future that it so hoped for before

It's not desperate to go that far

I guess my heart, if I might speak for it, is just aware that you are its favorite.

My heart can desire for others,

but it will always know and recognize you.

You've become too familiar for it that it can't stop beating at the thought of you

Visit my heart sometime all right?

You won't leave it absolutely breathless,

but it will jump for joy and welcome you openly again

Don't forget my heart all right?

No matter how distant, how silent, how long,

you will have a warm, special seat in it.

There's no promise that the seat will always be special,

but there will be a seat so don't be shy to knock.

Farewell, says my heart, until it hears from you again.

A Thousand Old Songs

I think of you in old songs
of a deleted playlist

I try to remember which ones I used to listen
when you were so close to me

And which ones,
when you were gone

Those songs of different memories,
chaotic lyrics and melodies
that once match how I felt

Now rings familiar,
but unpleasurable

I've listened to them a thousand times before
And I guess it's time to listen to new songs

Or find the old songs
fitting a new person

Warm under the rain

I had dreaded that day I'll be spending with you and her
Because it makes me feel like a third one to an intimate party
But surprisingly, you looked into my eyes as you talk
And you always end up walking right next to me as we walk
She was quiet and bothered and we were given
A chance to laugh and share and be ourselves.
It made me feel that same warmth that you have.

To sit so closely to you is something alien to me
It pierces my skin as I run away to safer, colder places
Because it melts me to look into your eyes as we speak
As you lay your heart and bare your soul
Penetrate my wall and warm up my anxious heart
It's too much, it's too obvious. You leave me breathless
Dissolving my masks, and pricking my lies
You have such a potent power - to uncover who I really am
Exposing me naked, but not with a shiver
But a welcoming, glowing warmth

As I laugh and sit closely to you, I wished this would last
That it would not be those kinds of friendships that fade,
Wither, grow cold and disappear.
I wanted to bask under your own personal sunshine
And stay there
Dreading to go back into that cold, empty room
Where I am all alone, freezing

My Blankie

I saw you today.

I didn't realize how much I missed you until

I got to my bed and recounted what happened

I remembered your smile and that new scar under your eyes

I am reminded by how I pretend to listen just to stare at you

I watch as your lips break into a smile and then a laugh

I hold the umbrella for you, but you were way too tall that you have to take it from me

I sit across you talking about what we will do when we have children

I watch you get sweaty and energized in a game

I bump against you when we play hit

I touch your hands when I hand you my gun

I walk with you and just listen to your stories that never fail to amuse me

With all the weariness I've earned

From work, the weather, the lack of a family

There I find a refuge in your presence,

in your friendship

It feels like home where I leave all my burdens

and take life lightly like the time when I was still carefree

You are my treasure chest

I thank God that you are there to keep me warm

when things turn cold and I have nobody to lean on

You don't know what you're doing

but I'm glad you're doing it.

I fervently hope that you will stay
be there, be behind me
Stay as a reminder
that my heart needs your warmth.

Moving with you

Somehow I am relieved that my feelings toward you are not jealousy, envy or grief.
It feels like I'm moving with you.


A new life, a new home, a new job
Closer to where you are, but oh so very far


Paths different, away from each other,
but I know that we will always have each other


You are only my yesterday, not today,
the future still holds its secret


Not completely hoping, but completely optimistic
that we will both find happiness regardless if we are together


A new perspective, a new kind of love, a new sense of victory
It feels like I'm moving with you.

I love you again

A perfect combination

Dreamy smiles and body contact

A time when nobody could get any closer

Hopes were up and put-together

Where fairy tales were made without

much contradiction.

Everything I Want*

You're good looking
You've got the moves
You're intelligent
and creative, and a leader, and an innovator

Everybody loves you
But I don't
anymore.

You're such a wonder
A sure success in the times to come
The type who only gets better

A bright future ahead of you
But not my future

You're a good friend when you need to
Reliable, always replies, always there
to drop everything for them

The best kind of friend
was my former best friend
but not Anymore.

I am enjoying this new-found numbness
and how I lost your name in a pool of many

I can't deny you are good, someone I could show off
but

we're different now
You are,
and I am

We don't know why,
but somehow, somewhere, it didn't work out

It's clearer now

*wanted

Losing our memories

Knock knock
Hey, open up
Open up and remember me

Remember me
Remember my smile
Yes, the one that was once etched to your head
My lips, and how they curl into a toothy grin
that has opened up differently in front of you

My eyes that cried as I watch the movie with you
My pitiful look, confused and damaged
The honesty of admitting my father was onto drugs
My sleepy eyes, my drunken glare, my presence you have eluded

Open up and don't forget

I know youre enjoying the time with other people
I know you're meeting new guys and think that you can have someone better than me
I know you are just trying to go away, yet still hoping I'd pursue you

Open up,
Even if I ignore you
Tell me what you have thought
Remember the last photo taken of us

Remember the college years
Yours might have ended,
and your story might have ended for me

Our story might have ended,

But never, ever foget
my younger self, our younger selves
As we lie together, sit together, hold hands and dream together

Those are not dreams
Those were real
And those were the best of "us"
that really is just you and me now.

You will never ever forget that you loved me
To the point that you wondered if you will ever love someone else like me
You will always tell our story,
your brokenheartedness, your tears, your longings

They will never end,
they will never leave
You will forever have that picture of me
In your heart.

You will never,
ever,
forget.

Until we both cease to exist



~him

Hindi talaga eh

Parang minsan nagugulat ako pag nakikita kita
Kasi hindi na talaga kita kilala
Wala.
As in wala na akong maalala tungkol sayo,
satin.

Hindi ko na maalala ang mga panahong kasama kita
Ang mga sikretong sayo lang sinasabi
Ang ramdam ng init mo pag katabi
O ang mata mong tinitignan ko habang ang-uusap tayo

Hindi ko na kilala ang boses sa likod ng letra
Ang katauhan sa likod ng larawan
Ang relasyon sa likod ng nakaraan
At ang ngayon sa likod ng alaala
Parang wala
Wala na talaga

Hindi ko rin alam kung anong mararamdaman
Kung masaya dahil hindi na ko iiyak sa gabi
Hindi na ko magluluksa sa pag-asang nawala
At hindi na ako magpipigil ng lubos na pagmamahal
na ngayo'y naglaho na

Kailangan ko bang malungkot dahil nawalan ako ng
matalik na kaibigan?
Ng pangalan sa telepono na palaging nariyan?
Ng komento sa Internet na laging dumarating sa kahit anong ilagay ko?
Ng kaalamang may nakikinig sa bawat letrang sinusulat ko?
Ng taong inakala kong kasama kong mabubuhay sa panghabangbuhay?

Kalayaan nga ba ang nakuha ko nang malimutan kita?
O kawalan ng isang bagay na dati'y mahalaga?

When he was mine

Yun bang nasa isang hapagkainan ka kasama ang mga kaibigan mo
Tapos lahat may kausap, ikaw wala
Yung aalalahanin mo yung taong
Sigurado kang ikaw lang ang kausap
Yun bang kayo lang ang magpapansinan
At siya lang naman ang pinunta mo doon.

Yun bang solo mo siya pag naglalakad
At ang sarap lang ng pakiramdam na katabi mo siya
Segu-segundong tumitingin sa mata niya habang magkekwento
Pero inaabangan mo lang talaga siyang ngumiti,
para sabay kayong ngumiti
Hanggang sa makarating kayo sa destinasyon.

Yun bang pag iyak na iyak ka na sa galit
Iisang pangalan lang sa cellphone mo ang kailangan mo
Kahit anong oras, kahit nasa party pa siya alam mong magrereply.
Kahit masaya siya, makikilungkot siya sayo at sasabihing
Magkita kayo kinabukasan para makwento mo pa.
Yun bang ang saya mo lang na may nakikinig sayo ng totoo
Alam mong hindi ka lang istorbo.

Tingin ko yun yung hinahanap ko eh.
Hindi talaga siya, pero yung presensiya niya sa buhay ko

Ngayon kasi, ako lang mag-isa naglalakad
Ako lang ang tahimik sa mesa
Ako yung nananahimik at walang makausap pag may problema
Noon, dati, nariyan siya. Pero wala na.

Hindi siya ang hinahanap ko.
Kundi isang tao na kapareho niya sa buhay ko

Kelan kaya siya babalik?
Kelan kaya may papalit?

Lost

I think of you
with a certain wonder,
and awe
and triumph

I think of you
no longer in rhymes
and haunting memories
and tears until I fall asleep

I think of you
peculiarly, as if
the spell
has been broken

I think of you
no more as someone who got away
not even a stranger,
just somebody I used to know

I think of you
without feeling jealousy
anguish or
desperation

I just think of you
And then think of something else

I am now

finally

free.

Brotherhood

When I look back now
The summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice,
Yeah I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life


This summer was the best one
because I had spent it with you
I have thought that the feelings will never be sustained
After I leave school
But you were always there
When we ran to escape the zombies
The countless meetings of our team
Lunch during my birthday
The trip to Alfonso
And the training and services
Lastly, HOPE.

Where I gave you water
And you carried my bag.

I told myself that I should try
to see you guys as my brothers
But with you, the feelings overflow
I thought you could make a choice
But who am I to change you
and how you feel?
Who am I to monopolize your heart
or expect that my feelings will be returned?

Sadly, I should face the fact that
the timing is not right.
Who knows, it might be us in the end
but not for now.
I should do you and myself a favor
by stopping the expectations
But loving you, truly loving you
Just as a brother

Secret Glance

I am having a blast with you
At how you say "How are you?" while we eat
How you make fun of me
Or sit beside me innocently
How you laugh at my jokes
with your shoulders moving up and down
And how you always say my name

Tonight as we
sang the song and you play the guitar
I blurted out something about me
walking out
And suddenly your eyes lit up
Asking me why,

I glanced down, ashamed
and not knowing what to say
Somebody said the words for me
And you asked if this was true
I said yes
And from then on,
I could feel secret glances from you

Wondering what kind
of complicated mystery
this jokester might hold

I could have wished I looked at you
before we departed and said good night

Wondering what kind
of complicated mystery
this jokester might hold

I just hope maybe,
as I think of you tonight on the shower
With you a room away from me,
that by the time the next four days is over

We would come up with a decision...

I hated that I had to think this way
But it was the only thing I could think of
I am this close to losing you
And this near,
four days near,
to decide if you would stay
or really are just a passing affair.

I'd hate think it was the latter...
I wish that you would choose me.

Inch by Inch

You made me sleep with a smile on my face
With a single text.

It was awesome,
seeing you the next morning
Hands on your waist
waiting for me
with a huge grin saying
"I got here first".

If only I woke up everyday to that.

Today I tested our friendship.
There was no malice in it.
No longing glances or
misleading eyes.
But there was a frequent mention of my name
from your lips
Lots of conversations in between
Sitting beside me or walking beside me
And me wishing you were there in my team
When the night ends, how you placed
a cookie in my hand
and offered me chocolates
And how I stared at you when I said goodbye
Knowing that it was what I was saying goodbye for
And how you peeked to our room
Hoping it was a glance of me you are trying to catch.

I want you beside me all the time
All
the
time.

I wished this summer would never end
Where you would go back to school,
to your girlfriend
and I'll be left alone in an uncertain world
And I would miss all the times we stayed
and all the times we talked.

I wish you would seal this friendship
with a vow of commitment.

Call Me Maybe

So maybe I like
your smile, and the dimples you have at your chin
and the wrinkles your eye has when you laugh
Or the whiteness of your teeth
and the cuteness of your lips
the kindness in your eyes
and the softness of your voice
And the way you wore boxers and shirt
when I first saw you

An introvert, you are, she says
I still haven't met you yet

Gasp

A click.
A presence without the conversation
A video chat that ended it all

A stupid webcam to take the blame
A bad experience full of shame
He only wanted to know my name
He screened me if I could be worth a game

Unfortunately I found out that I am not
And that is where the friendship ends
At first I thought I liked him a lot
But I found out we could only be friends

For two days, my heart made a mistake of thinking it'll last
All because of a stupid set-up by my best friend
The hurts are haunting me all the way from the past
Things I thought I healed, but those that were never mended

Now all I am left with is self-pity
And the consolation that I am probably not as pretty
As he would have wanted and then he would meet me
When he withdrew back to safety.

I hate these things that happen all of a sudden
A huge wave of emotions, or, what is left of them
My heart should have known that he wouldn't have taken
An online meeting for a love story in the making.

Blush

It was like an hour of talk.

But not small talk.

It was a big, hearty, funny, thoughtful talk
Where you told me about planting,
mechanical engineering
and poetry.

You e-mailed me a poem,
and indicated your number.

Your dimples caught me off guard from the start

I could only wish

That someday we will meet
and talk
and laugh
together.

Please, please invite me to. :)

Tell Me Who

$*
-Some intelligent guy with a heart who fell in love with his best friend when they were in high school but broke up because she's a witch. A lion man with a lion pride and lion self-confidence, although I see it in his eyes that he can be vulnerable sometimes and I just with I could get close enough to see that all the time. Because on regular days all he does is pick at me.

#$$
-Some intelligent nerd boy who actually looks good but I never found him as handsome because he was geeky. Likes playing online games, rock band and is effortlessly good in Math. He looks like some dessert boy with thick eyebrows and dreamy eyes, but he also looks like a wimp for some reason. But recently, I have seen his heart and that he might actually see beyond the games and the trivialities in order to find himself awesome.

*)
-Some charming musician who actually talks very well of himself. A good conversationalist who can effortlessly make you laugh and listen. He likes it laid-back even though there is a fire inside his heart that he cannot handle, resulting to palpitations and hyper-ventilation. I imagined waking up every morning to the sound of the piano, the insane guitar and the troublesome drums without minding it. And to look into his eyes everyday as if it was our first date.

^*!**
-Some guy with a girlfriend who had an ex-girlfriend, and probably other girlfriends who never quite deserved his kindness and thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness is the word. How he gives me a glass water when I'm thirsty and hits the right spot within conversations. His voice soothes me and I always feel so close to him whenever we talk. He's such a complication, and his heart is always on his sleeve, despite hiding it behind nonchalant eyes.

Back to you

I thought I have moved on
You're not my type
You're cowardly
and I recently learned your thing with her

And then you guys are best friends
Closer than I will ever be with you


And to see you laugh
and she playfully hitting you hurts

So I convinced myself that I'm looking for another one
Until I realized that we're good together, too.

You play the guitar, I sing
We both climb up the stage to jam
Starred in a movie as lovers

Both broken-hearted
and of the same batch

Interested in stocks and
Bonded over dirty dishes, starry nights and walks home.

Could that be something?
Or just a something that really is nothing.
I don't know anything.
I can't know everything.

I don't have to decide now.

Eyes Meet

Now isn't that sweet:
our first inside joke
with a conversation
and a concealed eye contact
a sheepish toothy smile
hidden behind knowing hands

a twinkle, a spark

Submerged for a millisecond
into each other's hearts.

Something clicked and fell into place

A reassurance that hope can be kindled
and a fire can possibly burn
and sustain
this secret desire for you

You're making it hard for me

I am the type who never tries to think too much
Someone who assumes that friendliness is just friendliness
and kindness is just kindness.

But you're making it hard for me.

Under my breath, stated to myself, months ago
"I am thirsty"
And without another second,
I was surprised, with your thoughtful, aversive eyes
With a glass of cold, water for me.
I was breath-taken.

Today, I was having a bad day at school,
Slumped and sad over the dinner table
Everyone was laughing,
the lights were dim and the food was slow

And then I received a text message from you,
when you were right across the table saying
"It's all right,"
And my heart skipped three beats.

On our way home, I thought you were angry
because of a joke I said when you were being serious.
But instead, from afar, you called out my name
"Who are you going home with?"
I frantically blurted out names
And you raised your thumb, saying "Okay"

I didn't see you when we stepped into the ride
But your hand was outstretched for a high five
And I waved.

I can't help it.
I can't help thinking about you when you are this kind.
I can't help asking why you settle for someone less all the time
I can't help being jealous over the time spent with another

Why are you wasting your time
When you could spend it with me?

You are making it hard for me
to stay away
and not


fall

That same spot

One silent night, many moons ago,

I came across a majestic place meant

for trainquility and pondering.

I wrote about you on my diary,

noting how I was thinking of you

In that dark corner of peace and quiet.

I dreamt of your eyes and the future we could have

The smiles we will exchage,

and the words we will utter.

***

On a celebrated night four years ago,

I gazed at the whirling crowd and light and music

Everyone hugging and taking photos

I caught a glimpse of you

They asked me to take a picture with you

I obliged, carrying with me my diploma

And draw close to you,

Positioned myself near you, your chest rubbing on my shoulder

As we pose for the camera with that high school smile.

This afternoon as I leave school,

Leave our literal common ground without you

I missed who we are

Things have changed and they won't be the same again.

You are no longer at my side

And I am no longer in yours

We shall face the world apart,

As how our worlds moved ever so slowly before we knew it

That one time of proximity

Commonality and

Hope

Will forever be just a sketchy memory

Of a past that the future will never have.

How Could You?

I can't watch.

The photo of you and her
Where you were grinning like a proud kid
And she your dull, old mother

I can't watch.
How I imagine you kissing her
Hugging her
And speaking to her when you are down.

I can't watch.
Your intimacy
Her obvious lack of classiness
And your heart bare for her

I can't imagine why you chose her
How you managed to be happy with her
Why you settled for her

It's the ultimate mindfuck

Why her?
How could you choose her?

Why her?

She challenges you
Doesn't appreciate your core
The beauty you see in the Lord
Your heart that withstands pain
The sacrifices you made to accommodate her
The kindness and devotion you show
How so many people wanted you
and yet you chose her.

She's not even pretty
I can understand if she's smart
Or that you have a personal bond

But why do you have to love her?
When we could have been together
And we would feed on each other's love
Instead of you making an effort on your own

Can't you see we're better together?

That moment when...

You dreamt about him all night,
wondering if you have fallen in love
Cursed the circumstances
of him having a girlfriend
Pondered at all the romantic things he did for you
comparing if he is built to last
Gushing at his handsomeness
hating yourself for crushing on him
Wondering if you will actually say it
then drown into a weary sleep

Only to meet him the next day
sit beside him as you eat
Not even looking at him in the eye
without saying goodbye when he leaves
Or hello when he arrives

That moment when...

You dreamt about him all night
yet you can't even talk to him for a minute.

You're Cute. I'm Not.

He's charmed and he's not afraid to show it.
He trails behind me like a puppy,
or maybe like a good boy poking at a cute one.
But I'm not a puppy and I'm definitely not cute.
You are, I'm not.

He asks me how I'm doing as I was struggling
He puts his face close to mine when he teaches me bowling
asks me if I enjoyed and says that I did great
But I'm not a toddler who have just gone home from school
You are certainly thoughtful
I'd rather not be thought

He gives me his attention, high-fives and "good job"s
He types in triple smileys and hopes to get noticed
saying the sunburn on my nose is cute
But I don't like myself cute
You do.

I know I should be pleased
Damn right I should be flattered
But all I want is for someone who sees me better

A sloppy young professional,
a rebel of a daughter
Easily frustrated of herself
Unhesitatingly roars in laughter

I wanted to be
more than cute than you defined me
I don't want you to be fond of me
I want you to see the details
and imperfections, and fragments of myself that I'm not pleased with

I hope you get the message
As I refuse to do the flirts
I'm hoping you won't find me cute.
I'm hoping you would find me beautiful.

At araw araw tayong magdededmahan hanggang sa tayo ay magkabistuhan

The Parting

This morning I dreamt of him
Doing the things we usually do: hang out at somebody else's house
With the same familiar people

Tonight as I gazed at his face,
I realized that he is one of the things I will miss

Lord knows what will happen to us,
me and my college crush

Whom I met plenty of years before
Whom I can only talk to alone, and at night during dinners

But now the dinners are gone and I'll never see him again
As much as I did when we were both students

Now I must leave into an unfamiliar world
Where there is no past and no future
Everything else in the present

Shall I say goodbye to you, my college sweetheart?
The night I held your hand,
the night you walked me home
and the night we sang our songs?

As the cliche goes why say good bye
to all the Good Nights.

Secret Circle

That moment when...

Everybody was leaving, and I was tucking my DSLR to my bag. I looked back, watching them go.

But you glanced at me too, and you walked back to where I was.

Where I was waiting for the food to arrive. You stayed with me.

Usually I would let you do the talking. And well, we have talked much earlier. But I ignored my guts and asked you, again, "How are you?"

From that point the conversation rolled on, and I wished they packed the food slowly so we could linger.

And they did. I could only imagine our friends watching us from outside, knowing that there is a circle that belongs only to you and me. Nobody else was allowed in there.

It was our private place, our sanctuary. A spot where we can be alone and ourselves. Where we can lay down our guards and show our wounds. And cry, complain, confess.

The waitress arrived bringing me the bag of goodie, and we sauntered slowly outside.

The circle dissolved as our friends gathered around us. But as we said goodbye, the magnet of our bodies we tried to resist, still was obvious by the way we could not leave without staring at each other. Knowing that saying goodbye to each other is all the fuss of goodbyes are for.

I only wished I hugged you, and expressed that sweltering desire

to stay with you and in that circle forever.

Falling... Already?

That's all you needed to do
Pull away,
avoid me,
look so confused and conflicted
around me

And that's all you needed to say

"You are beautiful"

to know
that you... hmm...

have a little crush on me.

And for me to face the fact that
maybe, just maybe...

Do you think you could keep this forever?

I ask myself.

The deluge of tears,
the heavy burden of the emotions

too many words unsaid

Reminiscing to no end

Wishing for something
you will never have

Waiting for a rewind
that will never happen

Wanting hands to touch
without showing it.

Do you really think you could keep this forever?

Do you think he will never find out
ALL about this?

He will, soon.

He will.

Be prepared for him to find out.

It's like no matter what I do

I will never forget you.

You had me at the best times of my life
Or rather,
you were the best parts

So good that
No amount of tears
will ever suffice your loss

No amount of hurt or pain
could make me leave

No amount of jealousy and right-thinking
would make me pull away from you

I can't let you go
And I can't let this go on
forever.

I have to make up my mind
To forget you
Or to pursue you.

Either way there is no guarantee
that you and I will ever be together again

I'll try not repeating the same mistakes

I'll try other mistakes.

Lest it would bring me to you.

And that's why I fell for him

~ is more than a superbly intelligent guy. He's someone bright and filled with wit and common sense. He sees things as they are and expresses his opinions as how he understands it. As a friend, he's more than willing to help you out when he can. I remember the time he stayed up until the morning just to make posters for me. He is righteous and is quick to reject things when he feels it is not commendable. He patiently teaches Math to his friends who have difficulty in understanding. And he's a hell of a good leader when circumstances turn their worst. To top it off, ~ is an awesome dancer of hip-hop beats. Aside from that, he impressively remains humble and down-to-earth, even if he deserves lots of honors and praises. And don't mistaken him for a totally serious guy! He really can make you laugh because of his witty, comical remarks! And even though he's quite hesitant to show, he's a thoughtful dude-one who would check you out when he senses you're out of bounce. He's funny and brilliant and appreciative and dear. In short ~ for me is precious! :)

~~~~


You never chaged.


I did.




I fell for you.

Sensations

Your old, green iPod
With a playlist under my name

You dedicating the song
"Girlfriend" to me

You holding my hand
As we frantically sneak behind
a security guard on an event

Your sleepy voice
When I try to wake you up
with a call

Your stiff, awkward hug

Your sad face when
you didn't make the cut

Your tears rolling down your cheeks
as we watch a movie

Your waist against mine
on the FX
or the car we packed tightly

Your smile when we remembered
we didn't bring toothpaste

Your magnetizing eyes
as we meet for a moment at the canteen,
or talk to each other on an event

Your lips
under my hand holding ice
Preventing the bleeding

Your hands winding a cloth around my feet
when they were sprained that morning

Your presence
that is never out of my full attention

You absence,
just the same