Hopeless

So... you like her? Do you actually like her?

I wish I could tell you how much I loved you.
I don't know what's holding me back.
Is it that I feel that I deserve to be loved in a certain way?
That you haven't given me much and I'm asking for more?

Is it because I am afraid that it will end up in vain?
If you have not fought for me and have abandoned me,
will it still be worth the fight?
Is that what love is supposed to be?

If I exert effort and still failed,
would I have blamed myself for not moving on quickly?
That at the first sign of heartbreak, I didn't learn my lesson?
That I am so stupid because everything is written and yet I ignored it?

If I exert effort and had you,
Will I be satisfied?
Is there some assurance that everything will be all right?
That it will be a happy ending?
Do happy endings ever exist?

If I exert effort, will you be worth it?
Will you reciprocate?
Will you love me with all you are honestly and not just because
you pity me or have no better choice?

If I exert effort, will I be closing my doors to someone who will love me more?
Would I have missed the chance to finally love and be loved?
Will I ever be a beloved instead of a forever lover?

Do I really deserve someone better?
Do I really choose you?
Will my wounds heal eventually?
Will I resolve that I do everything for you eventually?

I am so uncertain
But please, I hope that she doesn't overtake me
Because of a years' worth of hesitation.

Oh love, will we ever end up to be together?

You're Leaving

Out of the five semesters before that we have known each other
This was the only time when I truly have gotten to appreciate you.
Your heart
And this semester, you say as you walked me quietly home
that you're leaving.

I expected it.
I just didn't expect that it would happen sooner.

December, which is the sweetest month of all
will be bitter this year as you say goodbye, never to be seen soon.

A few weeks ago we were talking about
how I was about to graduate and not ready for the world.

It was followed by week upon week of eating dinner and just talking with company
Combo 4 in the kiosk,
Treating us to Ridges
Bringing sinigang to school
Cooking spaghetti for the parties
Finally I was able to see through you.

You were once so distant
and now that you have just gotten near,
You will move miles away soon.

I have gotten used
to having your around.
To exchanging jokes and playing cards
I wish there could be more time for those idle moments when
all we do is cherish the moment and take it slow
lest it flies past us like it threatens to.

I wish you could stay because I didn't want you to leave.
But I didn't want you to stay and waste time.
As a friend, how bittersweet it truly is
To want to listen when you don't like what you're hearing
To support when you are afraid for the person
To say goodbye when it would leave you empty.

This is part of friendship,
and I'd like to believe that all those months we came to know each other
weren't spent in vain.

I wish you well,
and although I will miss how you play the guitar in the afternoon,
how you bully me when playing football
how you were the first churchmate that ever got inside our house

I remember how "Fast Car" was our favorite song.
Those nights when the four of us suddenly come together at the karaoke
just because of it.

It's so funny now that I realize it
that the song was almost about you.

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you could fly away?
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight and live and die this way


We live in such perilous times when we are at our turning points.
I wonder what will happen the next time I see you.
Will you finally have the passion to finish school?
Will I learn how to cook as well as you do?
Will you be able to expand your ministry?
Will I be able to commit even as I work?

How strange it is to be thinking this way
and knowing that it may turn worse.
But nonetheless, we're still friends.

Inspiration

Behind her toothy smiles,
her kind eyebrows
her shy eyes and awkward mannerisms

is a girl so fierce
her photos could make your jaw drop.

She isn't much of a talker
never the loud person in the room

And yet when you see her, you are stunned
her presence is unmistakable.

You could mistaken her for a wallflower
But she is a flower that blooms so well
You would want to stare at her
Capture her
Pursue her
Find out her secret.

She is my inspiration.
And I am going to be her soon.

A Kiss

Tonight I stumbled upon a photo of my high school batchmates
A couple, among the few couples who actually survived four years of college life.

They were kissing for the camera.

I never saw them kissed before.
The girl was a good girl. The guy, well, didn't know him but

They were kissing

and it was so sickeningly sweet
that I stared at it for a couple of minutes,
trying to figure out the formula for a kiss.

A face so close to you
Short breaths and smiles in between
your eyes closed,
arms wrapped in each other's waist

The flowery scent of each other
The sweet smacking,
the movement of your soft lips.

I have never felt it before, and it amused me for a long time.

Earlier this morning I told myself I am not one of those girls who is waiting to be married.

But I wonder, oh I wonder,

how does a kiss feel?

I wish it was you

who will fall for me

You would text me every night and say "I love you" at the right moments

You would bring me gifts after you go home from the province and you would be so excited to see me once you are back, to tell me all the stories and all the news and all the "I miss you's"

Your eyes would light up whenever you see me, and you would long to be with me in between work

You wold hold my hand and cherish that moment when we watch the sunset together

You would invite me to eat at places I've never been to, and ask about my day and be amused at whatever story I would present to you

And we would be really happy

And I would forget the bad memories,

thinking this is the best I will ever have.

And it probably will be.

If.

Ink Blots

Blow by blow.

Stories of me, stories of you

I should be writing my own
based on different characters and plots and settings

Things change
I gave up.

Stating the obvious

“Hey, you wanna watch a play tonight?” I texted you

And didn’t receive a reply back.

It stung to realize

Over and over

That things are not the same.

I should stop expecting you to reply like you always do

To accompany me through the night even when you’re sick and limp

To be my date when nobody is available

Now I pay the price of reality,

That you are gone.

Maybe you have been making it easier for me all this time.

Not replying,

Not interacting, even online

Not asking how I am in the specific areas we both knew so well

Not letting your guard down anymore like you always do around me

Maybe you’re making it easy for me to move on like you have

And yet my stubborn heart couldn’t understand it still

It’s written all over the place

Anyone would have guessed it if they weren’t too blinded by love

Another person would have guessed it by the way you never said “I love you”

By the way you said you were gay

By the way you narrated your sex conquests

By the way you gush and befriend the wrong kinds of people and changed too easily

If it was another person, they would have moved on

And thought that they deserved better than

An indecisive “best friend” who was just stalling before getting other friends

Instead, here I am two years later, still blaming myself

That I didn’t tell you enough

Didn’t show it enough

Didn’t become a friend enough

While you are long gone and moved on

And I’m still waiting

It is about time for me to pick myself up

But how will I ever, really?