Third Monday

Has it really been just two weeks that I have known him? If this is what it's like to know a stranger, then I would like to know every single names of every billion people on earth.

It feels really good knowing him, and I could only feel guilty at the sudden immensity of what I feel. I feel like I should not feel something so awesome as this one, or to be with someone who initiates this much.

In my mind there are a thousand reasons why I should stop, and how it could not work. But my heart refuses to entertain them. With each song, each touch, and each day, it seems that I am looking for him more and more. As if I have created a craving for this person who seems to satisfy me in such a way that made me realize how much or what exactly I am longing for.

I long to just be with him, and my life in the office will never be the same. I know that if at some point we parted ways, I would always look for the way he pays attention to me. How he touches my head, how my body seemed to have a homing device targeted at him, how sitting in silence next to him is one of the grandest times I've had, and how laughing until tears well up from my eyes seemed to be how life is meant to be spent.

To feel a need for him, and to feel so satisfied with him seems so wrong. I wanted to stop already. But I can't. I enjoy him so much that I could not even care about hiding it to people concerned.

I have been trying to convince myself to stop needing him. I have tried, and I only end up treating him worse and then feel guilty afterwards, then apologize, then be forgiven, and fall again.

I have tried considering his smoking habits, the way his penis directs him, and how much my officemates hated him. But somehow it all crumbles when we're together. Suddenly, it's the most important thing in the world, and everything else can wait.

I have not lacked realizations. I have not lacked painful experiences. But this romance seemed new and promising, and I just can't get enough of it. I have been wiser. I have never lacked precaution. But I don't want to stop this now.

When The Wrong Feels Right

Person:
Smoker, player (both literally and figuratively), easily struggles about sexy things.

Work:
Fan boy, opportunist, self-driven, no long term plans, only wants status.

God:
Agnostic.

***
Person:
Touchy, takes the initiative, reliable, intentional.

Work:
Hardworking, volunteers easily.

God:
Knows Trading Yesterday.

***
What I really like about him:

The way he touches me. The way he wraps his hands around mine when taking the umbrella. He never lets me hold the umbrella for him -- he always snatches it away from my hand. He always pour water on my glass first, and continues to do so as I eat. He always says he'll take care of me, he'll protect me, and he'll never let me go astray. And he fulfills it.

He walked me home after learning there are guys whistling after me. He brings jacket the next day after he hears that I'm cold. He said he will hug me tight if the taxi ever gets hit by a bus. We get a good laugh when watching his videos. The way he still sticks his shoulder next to mine even if I am on the farthest end of the car.

His low voice and perfect smile. His modulated voice, yes. The way he changes his voice when speaking to a strange man, and then softens when talking to me. How I am perfectly aware that I will be all right when I'm with him. The way he takes charge when he senses I'm in panic. The way he offers help every single time, even the smallest detail of reaching for a paper.

The way he appreciates the little things I do. The way he notices the little details: the path we took when we rode the cab together, the song that is stuck in my head last week, the way I flinch, my low blood condition, and the photo I liked from him. The way he is alarmed that I tend to lose interest easily. The way he touched my head, and called our commonplace "Tagpuan". They way he repeatedly says and proves that I will not have to worry about anything when I'm with him.

The way we laugh when we're together. Our inside jokes. His trivia about sports and guys and psychology. The way he called me "Tabu". The way he wants to ride the taxi with me. The way he wants to walk with me. The way he recommended "Trading Yesterday". The way he makes distant travels hilarious. The way he worried when I didn't reply. The way we sing together. The way we talk about books and songs.

The way he pats my head repeatedly. The way he notices when I'm feeling pressured, and the minute details of my cheekbones. The way he takes an extra ride just to ride with me. The way he approaches me and how my body seemed to have a homing device to be next to his. How sitting in silence completely natural. How I am so vulnerable around him.

I really enjoy him right now. And I don't want it to stop.

The Struggle

We look good together
We might be even good together.

You and your elaborate armors
Me and my barefoot swiftness.

You and your Boyce Avenue covers
Me and my Leroy falsettos.

You and your effort to sit closely beside me
Me and my effort to push you at arm's length.

You and your effort to sit behind the van
Me and my effort to avoid walking with you.

You and your effort to send me a video
Me and my effort not to laugh at what you're doing.

You and your effort to pour water on my glasses
Me and my effort not to eat with you alone.

You and your effort to always take the umbrella
Me and my effort to make you do everything.

You and your effort to ask if I was angry
Me and my effort to not text you at all

You and your effort to have a photo of us
Me and my effort to stay at the floor below

You and your effort to hold my arm as I climb the stairs
Me and my effort to avoid your manly stare

You and your effort to gently push me away from the road
Me and my effort not to feel electricity run through.

You and your effort to make our bodies touch
Me and my effort to avoid as often as I must.

You and your effort to make me go to Tagaytay with you
Me and my effort to refuse.

You and your effort to eat alone with me
Me and my effort to try not to be alone with you.

How long shall I try to resist?

Hidden Behind the Vine

And finally, I got some alone time with you.

Although I barely want to pay attention to you,
avoiding your deep-thought questions,
I was glad you mustered enough courage

To set me aside, hidden behind the vine
In the exclusivity of you and me
Facing each other
Your head up, and mine down
As we pray together like we used to.

I prayed that I am thankful that God chose you
To lead us in worship even though you don't sing

At that time, when I said, "Chose you"
Perhaps it crossed my mind a little to say.
"To be my husband".

Then after we prayed, you added one more thing,
"Thank you God for Sam's patience".

And it was enough to make my heart flutter
Faster than it already has been.

I tried responding, acting it's the most normal thing
But a part of me, as we walked away from the vines,
thought that I might actually enjoy this.

This possibility of marriage with this guy
Who never knows how to sing,
But who is as much into the Word as I am.

With this guy who stutters and can't look at me in the eye
Yet had the guts to ask me out twice.

With this guy who never gives much care to women
Yet had the balls to ask me weekly how I was in Malaysia.

With this guy whom I have never expected to come close to
Yet had already been considered to be spent
The rest of my life with.

With this guy who constantly prays with, and possibly, for, me.

Our secret place was not gone after all.

It was only been hidden.

Player Card

And so that moment when I caught sight of you
Sitting beside Ma'am, thinking you're a new hire out of nowhere
Then that first time you addressed me saying, "She plays?"
And as you say goodbye, addressing me as Miss Ultimate.

The second day I found out that you are smoking
And you are quite a flirty guy.
Two of the worst dealbreakers.

I know in my heart that I am not even a little bit in love with you
But I have been thinking about you all week.
In ways that I should not.

Your skin next to mine, the electricity and the burn.

The gasping when you are near.

The nonchalance that tries to hide everything.

And tonight I know that you are a player,
Picking up women as soon as you find them.
Trying to touch me, and hod my hand.

Unfortunately, a part of me wants to play along
Because you are just too damn hot to handle.

Part of me wants to go to Tagaytay with you
Blow up the prize that you won
Possibly spend the night doing exactly what I wanted.

Without expecting you to commit or anything.

It is completely out of character. I could not understand it.

How long will I try to resist?

The Bottom Line

We started this without expectation
It grew with every conversation
And though I'm at the point of exhaustion
The bottom line is I still want you.

We may never have expected this feeling
It never crossed our minds to start readying
And even if I feel like the waves are dying
Still in the end I am wishing for you.

We may not have the best situation now
It may not be as perfect as it may sound
But I believe you're a precious treasure I found
So I will be praying for you.

Everything Has Changed

Sunday when I finally got to spend an accidental whole day with you.

I was so excited that we can finally have time to talk.
I kept approaching you, coming your way, suggesting.
But all you did was stay away.

There on the lunch table, you fixed the electric fan my way.
You cleaned up after me.

There on the playing of music, I was singing the girl part
Hoping you will catch the guy's.

There on the amphitheater, tossing the disc your way
Because we were teammates yet again.

There goofing around at the Sunken Garden,
I laughed at your jokes.

There on the jeep ride home, we sang the song "Kiss"
Remembering how it was my song for you.

There awaiting the home cooked food, we played cards
And suddenly you were avoiding me.

There on the dinner table, you never talk to me
Avoiding my eyes

There as I wash the dishes, you never did come outside
To check up on how I was doing.

There as you thanked me in the kitchen
You never bothered helping me clean up.

There in between goodbyes,
You said you will walk us home, but you didn't.

There on the night we stayed,
You climbed up to sleep.


It made me cry that Sunday night.
It made my eyes bawl on Monday morning.

Realizing that I am worth to you nothing.

You have incited my anger and now I don't pay attention.
Now I never look at you in the eye.
Now I no longer laugh at your jokes.
Now I don't treat you like a poor little boy.

Because you have hurt me so much these past few days.

With all the avoidance, reluctance, and hesitations.

You don't think I'm worth risking it. Worth initiating on.
You don't think I'm worth readying for. Worth telling the truth.
You don't think I'm worth confessing to. Worth pursuing.

All you can think about is preserving your safety
All you can think about is yourself.

You have let me down in the process, forgetting that
it was you who approached me in the first place.

Now you suffer the consequences.

I hate hurting you.

As the matter of fact I wish I will never do.

But if loving for you meant looking out for yourself first,
then I'm playing the game with you.

How Can I Hate You

When yours is the song playing in my ear
When yours is the nervous glance I wanted to see
When yours are the words that makes my heart melt
When yours is the heart that I wanted to have.

Coward

You approached me, asking me to share my heart.
You tell me it's safe, that I can share anything.

I let down my guards but for a moment.
You made my heart feel warm.

Over and over again. By the way we talk
On the bus rides home, on the long walks,
On the text messaging, the long distance chats
The extra-effort to make me feel special

Then all of a sudden, you drop me like a hot potato
all in the name of not being ready.

Don't you think you should have known that sooner?

The conversation stopped, and you start avoiding me
You start approaching me with reluctance,
doing your best not to give yourself away.

You take all the necessary steps of self-preservation
Just so you could take your time convincing yourself
That you could handle something you already started

You are just like others, who would rather secure their place
And leave me hanging in return.

You told me I deserved someone man enough for me
and yet all you have been was a coward

And in the meantime I am left wondering what happened,
wondering what is going on in your mind,
pondering why all the drastic changes.

If you don't like me, then stay away for good.
If you like me, then stop pretending you don't.

I Missed This

I hate you now only because I really miss you.

Today for the first time again I heard you become vulnerable.
Today I heard you preach the Word.
Today I heard you ask how I am.

Today you walked me home.
Today I high fived you.

Today it was really difficult to get eye contact from you.
Today it was confusing why I couldn't even look at you in the eye.
Today even though I met a bunch of people,
it is you who I wanted to spend time with.

I really miss you.
I feel agitated that I can't be with you.

Precautions

That could have been me

Walking by your side

At extended hours of midnight

To discuss the problems you have

The solutions we could find

Support and words to give

But instead you have another one

Because you could not talk to me

Precisely because you like me

Plugging my ears to avoid jealous glances

I started hating the rules and authorities

Standing between the two of us.

It would have been easy for me

For you to confess that you like me

And for us to still act friends

But your feelings are undeniably present

I can't undo or remove them for you

As much as you can't help yourself

You are still hoping that I do not know

Unaware of the fact that I already do

I'm waiting for you to say the words.

But the fact that you are not rushing and instead preparing

Wipes away the jealousy and anger.

Do you really consider me worth readying for?

So as much as I hate the distance between our walks

The limitations of the things we share when we talk

And the fact that we can't truly be friends without the feelings,

I will have to stick around and patiently wait for you

For if you think I am so important to prepare for,

I fairly think you are so valuable to wait for.