Secret Circle

That moment when...

Everybody was leaving, and I was tucking my DSLR to my bag. I looked back, watching them go.

But you glanced at me too, and you walked back to where I was.

Where I was waiting for the food to arrive. You stayed with me.

Usually I would let you do the talking. And well, we have talked much earlier. But I ignored my guts and asked you, again, "How are you?"

From that point the conversation rolled on, and I wished they packed the food slowly so we could linger.

And they did. I could only imagine our friends watching us from outside, knowing that there is a circle that belongs only to you and me. Nobody else was allowed in there.

It was our private place, our sanctuary. A spot where we can be alone and ourselves. Where we can lay down our guards and show our wounds. And cry, complain, confess.

The waitress arrived bringing me the bag of goodie, and we sauntered slowly outside.

The circle dissolved as our friends gathered around us. But as we said goodbye, the magnet of our bodies we tried to resist, still was obvious by the way we could not leave without staring at each other. Knowing that saying goodbye to each other is all the fuss of goodbyes are for.

I only wished I hugged you, and expressed that sweltering desire

to stay with you and in that circle forever.

Falling... Already?

That's all you needed to do
Pull away,
avoid me,
look so confused and conflicted
around me

And that's all you needed to say

"You are beautiful"

to know
that you... hmm...

have a little crush on me.

And for me to face the fact that
maybe, just maybe...

Do you think you could keep this forever?

I ask myself.

The deluge of tears,
the heavy burden of the emotions

too many words unsaid

Reminiscing to no end

Wishing for something
you will never have

Waiting for a rewind
that will never happen

Wanting hands to touch
without showing it.

Do you really think you could keep this forever?

Do you think he will never find out
ALL about this?

He will, soon.

He will.

Be prepared for him to find out.

It's like no matter what I do

I will never forget you.

You had me at the best times of my life
Or rather,
you were the best parts

So good that
No amount of tears
will ever suffice your loss

No amount of hurt or pain
could make me leave

No amount of jealousy and right-thinking
would make me pull away from you

I can't let you go
And I can't let this go on
forever.

I have to make up my mind
To forget you
Or to pursue you.

Either way there is no guarantee
that you and I will ever be together again

I'll try not repeating the same mistakes

I'll try other mistakes.

Lest it would bring me to you.

And that's why I fell for him

~ is more than a superbly intelligent guy. He's someone bright and filled with wit and common sense. He sees things as they are and expresses his opinions as how he understands it. As a friend, he's more than willing to help you out when he can. I remember the time he stayed up until the morning just to make posters for me. He is righteous and is quick to reject things when he feels it is not commendable. He patiently teaches Math to his friends who have difficulty in understanding. And he's a hell of a good leader when circumstances turn their worst. To top it off, ~ is an awesome dancer of hip-hop beats. Aside from that, he impressively remains humble and down-to-earth, even if he deserves lots of honors and praises. And don't mistaken him for a totally serious guy! He really can make you laugh because of his witty, comical remarks! And even though he's quite hesitant to show, he's a thoughtful dude-one who would check you out when he senses you're out of bounce. He's funny and brilliant and appreciative and dear. In short ~ for me is precious! :)

~~~~


You never chaged.


I did.




I fell for you.

Sensations

Your old, green iPod
With a playlist under my name

You dedicating the song
"Girlfriend" to me

You holding my hand
As we frantically sneak behind
a security guard on an event

Your sleepy voice
When I try to wake you up
with a call

Your stiff, awkward hug

Your sad face when
you didn't make the cut

Your tears rolling down your cheeks
as we watch a movie

Your waist against mine
on the FX
or the car we packed tightly

Your smile when we remembered
we didn't bring toothpaste

Your magnetizing eyes
as we meet for a moment at the canteen,
or talk to each other on an event

Your lips
under my hand holding ice
Preventing the bleeding

Your hands winding a cloth around my feet
when they were sprained that morning

Your presence
that is never out of my full attention

You absence,
just the same

Absence

And she said what she has said before
"Learn to forgive,
even if he hurts you
Learn to let it go."

And I just stared, knowing she's missing the point
Knowing she won't get the point
So I shut up

No, it's not about me hurt.

What bothers me is how my love
is stronger than all the pain I have felt.

How it overlooks the hurts
and forgives unhesitatingly
And...
wanted more in spite of that.

I thought your absence would have
made me forget, be angry, move on

But it only draw me nearer to the fact that
I love you
way too much.

*Blush

A heartfelt, angelic

chuckle

emerged within

my little heart

Eliciting a millisecond warmth

rising up to my cheeks

making my head toss back

Saying "ha ha!"

And a sweet smile following after.

Wow...

I felt this.

I actually felt it for someone else.

How does it feel to always feel this way?

To not keep running after someone who already left?

Is this how it feels?

It feels good.

I just don't know if it will last.

Morning Afters

Puffy eyes.

Dang what did I do?

Remembering the convulsions on my chest:
The tears rolling uncontrollably
Whispering to myself
"I will tell him,
I will confess."
As the dawn breaks and I drift to a weary sleep

In the morning, as the scars of last night surfaces
I told myself how weird I am.

Then fear crept in
and worry.

Because the longing
captures me whole
at night.

But yes, which is better?

Where am I truer to myself?
Who holds the answer?

Should I tell you
so I can get that closure?
Will it be a mistake
to tell you everything?

The Cliff

It's weird.

I still know your password
And since I don't want to be stalking you,

For a moment I pretend to be you.

I typed it in,
Searched your photos,
the recent tagged ones where you smiled
Group pictures and laughing comments

I stared at your eyes,
your smiles
and your broad shoulders I have known

Glanced at your hair
those eyebrows,
that nose
that I used to have beside me all the time

I pondered about your height
The way you dress
Those moments the camera caught you candidly

And just stared there, wondering,
saying to myself that this person
This stranger
was once so close to me.

I can't even fathom the kind of closeness
But I know it was extremely close, very very close once upon a time.

There was a time this guy
Opened up my heart.
I rested on his shoulder as we sat on a rock,
Held his hand while we crossed the street,
Screamed at him, drunk and out of control
Desired to hug him tight when he was sad
And in that computer shop we never really used,
but just talked inside with.

That walk outside my home
That waiting right outside your village
That jeepney ride where you almost fell asleep
That night we slept beside each other

It almost felt surreal
I don't know if I forced myself to remember
Or actually blocked the memory
But it was vivid, but it was just that, a memory
that I wasn't even sure happened

Because at this distance between us
It is close to impossible to ever think
We were once together

He Doesn't Know Me

I’m doing fine,

Not seeing you for two months

Without a glance

Or a text

It almost seemed like you’re gone

And I have moved on.

It’s like you are a brief memory

That only existed in my dreams

A beautiful fantasy

Or perhaps a scar

That I have only imagined

Yet I cannot deny the fact

That I try so hard to dispel you

Oh how I walk out of a situation

Where I might actually

See you,

My beloved, my pain,

My past, my unrealized future

My desire, my grief

Personified.

I would rather not

Go there.

As he mentions your name

On our unexpected crossing path

He asked if I knew you.

“Oh yes,” I said nonchalantly. “A friend,”

Somehow I cannot even ask about him

All I can ask was how you are

So subtly, so simply

Hoping I was not asking too much.

Smiling as if it was a casual chitchat

When he left,

I can’t help

Fingering that gaping hole in my heart

Praying I didn’t push its limit

The whimpers in my pillow

that night

Proved me wrong.

Oh yes,

Oh, how I knew you.

Her Sad Eyes

Nothing is more poetic

Than gazing at

The ball that is frozen still

For a short moment.

As she glances away

In a split-second,

Her orbs paint

A trace of sadness

A hint of pain, grief, hurt

Then vanishes completely

As she looks back at you

Confident, courageous

And almost

Numb.