Smokes and Mirrors

I have finally said your name

And this will be with finality.

I'm sorry I would have to move on.

Your disappearance has undeniably left me scarred

And somehow in my heart I think I will be scarred for life

So long as I could see you happy, and me not with you. Or not as happy as you

I'm sorry I envied you. Sorry hat I wished you would fail just to comfort me

I'm sorry if I have attributed all my brokenness, everything that is wrong with me with your rejection of me.

It was not your fault. It was not your call, but I blamed you.

I'm sorry if you are the evil in my life.

That every time I think of not being loved, of not having good friends, of not enjoying life, of not having a bright future,

I have you in mind as a scapegoat, when you were innocently living your life

I'm sorry if the pain I have caused to myself has your name written on it

I'm sorry for blaming you for not completing me, and giving me the love, the care, the attention and the future I thought I deserved

I'm sorry if you became the main reason why I am sad, why I am broken, and why I am beyond repair

You didn't even consciously do it, but I had to crucify my insecurities, my needs, and my self-pity with you

I'm sorry that it was your image that keeps popping up my head, as the answer to the questions. That I thought you have denied me of my right to feel loved, cared for, and wanted.

I'm sorry if my emptiness sought you as a filling. That only your return, your assurance, and your love could ever make me well, could make me succeed, and could make me happy.

I'm sorry if I have caused myself so much unhappiness by pondering over your absence and for accusing you of wrecking me
I'm sorry if I prided myself of being able to love unconditionally, when it was only a matter of a sense of entitlement that was denied
I'm sorry for not being okay for the longest time and all my mind ever came up with was that it was your doing

I'm sorry if I keep banging my head on the wall occasionally, just because of my selfish desire and craving for your past attention

I'm sorry that it is you that I sought - your companionship, your prodding, your presence that I mistakenly thought would quell my inadequacies
I'm sorry if I keep comparing every guy to you. That they had to meet your standards of looks, brains, talent, passion, and personality
For how I screened and judged them with you as a template
I'm sorry if I can't move on with my life, and you are the name I give. How you never mistreated me, but still I insisted that you damaged me
I'm sorry for pointing fingers at you, when the tears fall because I have sensed I have lost a part of me. Sorry for letting that part of me dissolve in an obsessive idea of you
I'm sorry I hated you when you did not come to my rescue during the times when I deluded myself into thinking that you could cure me
I'm sorry for constantly searching for you, like an addictive drug. For writing poetry, for crying, for desperately llonging during times of silence for you. I know you did not want any of that as much as I did, but it had to be you who's the beloved
I'm sorry for the complexities my emotions brought upon myself and even our friendship. For driving you away while attempting to pull you close. For creating sites to know how you are and then deleting them. For watching your every move even though I claimed I'm trying to move on.

I'm sorry that it had to be you who gets all the blame, the badmouthing from my friends, the source of jealousy, envy, and a vision of cruelty for a love not returned

But it was never your fault I realized. All these smokes and mirrors are but a creation of myself. You were never in the picture if not as a dart board for all my personal issues that you will never even solve

I am not miserable because of you, but I have made you the reason to make me miserable.

So I'm sorry for all those years of foolishly thinking that you will ever come back and make me happy and perfect and problem-free. I realized that you are not the answer to everything.

It is merely me creating all these problems, and I don't want to put the blame on you ever again. Ever.

I'm sorry.