Hey you. Yes, you.
It's been a long time since we've seen each other and even talked to each other. Do you remember before, that moment I see you, my eyes would immediately light up and I'd dissolve into a pool of mush running with a hug, a tease, and a big smile running to greet you. Isn't it strange that, now, if ever I do get to see you, I would not even know how to react! Seems to me that old warmth disappeared slowly, but was gone in an instant. Now that Iook back, I don't even know how we got here.
One thing's for sure, we used to be really close friends. Everything that's painful and painfully embarrassing, I'd tell you without pause or filters. I would act like a damn child and expected you to be a child with me. We'd spend countless days literally just hanging out. With no agenda and even no curfews.
It pains me to think I can't even see you now without emotionally preparing for what my response would be and how awkward it would truly be. Used to be, you'd walk into my house, drop your bags, and pretend you paid my rent. Now, I'm pretty sure you don't even know where I live, or who I live with, or what I look like.
You've probably heard more about family. I've probably given you a repeated run down about their issues. But right now I'm sure you haven't heard anything related to their health and the health of their relationships. I used to tell you all my hurts about them But now, you don't even know what my issues are these days. Anything related to boyfriends, grad school, work, and future plans. I have rapidly changed during the time we drifted apart that I think you'll be surprised about my revelations.
You probably don't know much about my partner. Maybe you've heard his name or have met him once or twice. But I'm sure you have zero idea of how we are. That's within the realm of our new friends. Maybe you won't believe me -- but we are doing very, very (admittedly, unexpectedly) well. We're together for almost four years now, can you believe? He's immensely patient with me and we rarely even fight these days. Maybe when you see us together, you'll be surprised at how I have visibly changed around him -- starting with the fact that I can now be physically affectionate.
I'm sure you've known me as the fiercely independent girl. You've once noted I can walk alone in the crowd and my convictions on probably never having a serious boyfriend 'til I'm 27. You've once told me how you admired how I didn't need fear being alone in the crowd. You've praised me once or twice for going on trips with strangers and inviting myself to events even if I knew nobody. Tell you what -- I'm still the same person, but I have grown. Having my partner was a bliss, knowing I can enjoy another person's company I liked as much as I liked (and am very content) with my own.
Sometimes, I think of you and wonder how you are. I just assume that you're happy and that maybe you're missing my companion once in a while, too. But I won't blame you for not reaching out during those times when you missed me so much, you were one push closer to stalking and chatting me up. I haven't reached out, too, I know. Because if one of us did, we wouldn't know how to even respond. Maybe I won't respond at all, because it just feels like a stranger suddenly blurts out, "I miss you!" to me on the streets. How do you react to that?
I do miss the times we were at my place and we would literally do nothing but lounge around, maybe sleep at a certain point, play, just stare into space, and talk. I don't know about you, but I've grown more exclusive these days. I don't usually enjoy staying overnight anymore, and if I did, I'd leave early in the morning. I don't like staying out too late anymore, and my energy is so limited and required the power of coffee or beer. Maybe the fact that I drink once a week is a surprise for you, too.
You are one of the lucky ones to see this side of me. I don't often show it these days, with a higher position at work, with graduate school fatigue, with new responsibilities undertaken, I don't think I can let my guard down as much as I did during our time together.
Which is why I think I will always miss you. Because I've been so vulnerable with you, and maybe I just miss being vulnerable with someone in general. It's much harder to be emotionally vulnerable now, with people so geographically and hierarchically apart. I cannot duplicate the friendship we had when we were both young, free from responsibilities (and bills), and just overall... different.
I'm sure you're also going through some very adult things yourself. Maybe you've also been dating that person long and you're either married or getting married soon. Or maybe you've broken up with that guy you've been with for years and years. Maybe you've gone your own way, too, leaving to find greener pastures at work, in your communities, the country, or more. I'm sure your struggles are different from what we've had before -- when we merely bother about our crush, our first jobs, our lack of direction. Things are much more serious now, don't you think?
Sometimes, I wish I was there with you to go through those hardships in life with. I'm more than happy learning about your new job, new relationship, new hairstyle, and new hobbies. Please know that indifferent as I am on a daily basis, a part of me still cheers for you, applauds you, and hugs you for every triumph you face in life even though I'm not there. I want you to succeed even without you knowing it or without me knowing it!
In days such as these, I hope that someday we would rekindle the friendship that we have. Though I think we can no longer go back to being the same "friends" we used to know before. We've had a change of values, perspectives, desires, and personas by now. When we do meet again, we will meet again as new strangers. I'd fancy re-introducing myself to you and still find a certain bond with each other despite our newfound personhood.
Until then, I'll remain in your Facebook friend list, in your Messenger chat box, as your silent Instagram follower -- just a name that you haven't heard spoken for a very long time, but somehow brings back a lot of memories. We may not be on speaking terms these days, and maybe we would be awkward again the next time we see each other. But know that silently, somehow, I'm rooting for you.
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