It's okay if you are not mine

Is this what they call unconditional love?
I could bear life without you.
No, not that.
I could bear life without you loving me.
It's been like this for years
I have come to accept that it won't be returned
Yet the silence of my confession satisfies me
The occasional escaping whimpers
and looking afar wondering how you are
The counting of months since I last saw you
and wondering how long it will take
The swallowing that I can't forget you
and the contentment that followed knowing it's true

Somehow I have lived without you
and I have been fine.
I have not moved on,
nor have I found anything close to replacing you
But somehow I'm okay with that
The distance, the silence, the missing conversations,
the could-have-been's, the what-if's,
the haunting memories and the broken resolutions,
I'm okay with it.
I don't feel defeated.
But I need to keep you here, for some reason I don't know.

What could I do without you?
I heard a story of losing a best friend
who helped my friend transition to college.
The first person that came to my mind was you.
If the pain didn't take you away from my heart,
if the suffering, if the tears, if the denied emotions
let you remain unmoved right here,
would death snatch you?
I can't bear the thought of losing you,
even if I technically didn't have you.

Somehow I think I should let you know everything
but I know that is not the answer, and it will not change anything.
I would rather give you the freedom to choose or reject me,
and if you do not choose me, it is rejection, and I have come to accept it
I have been given two years and counting to get used to it,
and I'd like to think that I am.
But if your freedom is taken by some black, eternal sleep,
how would that change me? Us?

Would I lament over these unspoken words,
wishing to turn back time and tell you and see how it went?
I know that it is only out of my own selfishness if I ever tell you
how much, how deep, how long I have loved you.
Yes, they may say, if you love someone, let him know
but why? So that you give them a reason to love you back?
I don't think confession ever comes without strings attached.
It is silent sacrifice and letting go without actually letting go
that is the purest form of love.
To give someone a choice, the freedom,
Let them be the beloved and you the lover

Do you ever need to know?
Even in death, I will cry and lament,
but I will love you anyway.