Terrified

I couldn't stay for another minute
and watch the sequel to the story I thought I quit.
There are so many years to compare it to.
Years that were vivid, pulsating, and clear
and it was nothing compared to today's silence,
absence, and lackluster.
I just couldn't stand to have a bad memory
to tarnish another memory.

So I had to go. Nowhere. Lie about where.

But what I can never escape is this emptiness
that this year was worse than the last
and there was nobody to care about it anymore.

This was the season of hope, of activity,
but now in the cold of the evening, fighting back
irrational tears... I plunged into a deep numbness.

D could be there to listen, but for some reason he's gone
J could have been there to walk me home
R could have talked to me instead of liking someone else
But nobody was there to accept my trembling heart,
waiting to pour out grief and bitterness.

There is no vessel, and I would hate to explode there
I really had to leave and deal with this alone.

For I can't imagine sharing it with someone else.