Third Monday

Has it really been just two weeks that I have known him? If this is what it's like to know a stranger, then I would like to know every single names of every billion people on earth.

It feels really good knowing him, and I could only feel guilty at the sudden immensity of what I feel. I feel like I should not feel something so awesome as this one, or to be with someone who initiates this much.

In my mind there are a thousand reasons why I should stop, and how it could not work. But my heart refuses to entertain them. With each song, each touch, and each day, it seems that I am looking for him more and more. As if I have created a craving for this person who seems to satisfy me in such a way that made me realize how much or what exactly I am longing for.

I long to just be with him, and my life in the office will never be the same. I know that if at some point we parted ways, I would always look for the way he pays attention to me. How he touches my head, how my body seemed to have a homing device targeted at him, how sitting in silence next to him is one of the grandest times I've had, and how laughing until tears well up from my eyes seemed to be how life is meant to be spent.

To feel a need for him, and to feel so satisfied with him seems so wrong. I wanted to stop already. But I can't. I enjoy him so much that I could not even care about hiding it to people concerned.

I have been trying to convince myself to stop needing him. I have tried, and I only end up treating him worse and then feel guilty afterwards, then apologize, then be forgiven, and fall again.

I have tried considering his smoking habits, the way his penis directs him, and how much my officemates hated him. But somehow it all crumbles when we're together. Suddenly, it's the most important thing in the world, and everything else can wait.

I have not lacked realizations. I have not lacked painful experiences. But this romance seemed new and promising, and I just can't get enough of it. I have been wiser. I have never lacked precaution. But I don't want to stop this now.