I also wanted you

She said I should tell you how much you drove me insane
Like a martyr professing love to the beloved
defying gender constructions,
rational thinking,
fear
even my choice.

A thousand times it played on my mind to actually do.
For me to make that confession
tears might fall,
bittersweet smiles might be exchanged
or just a cold "well it's over" that wouldn't change a thing
(not even the slightest expectation of loving me back)

Over and over, before I go to sleep
I sometimes think of finally telling you
how much I love you
but I just can't come to the decision.

I love you so much, and this blog is a proof of that
but I wanted to be loved back.

I know that you are a better person now,
that I loved you even before does not matter now.
But I also wanted you to love me back.
I also wanted you to feel the same way for me.
I also wanted you to need me and look for me when I go
But you didn't.
And it's enough that I put myself in a situation where I keep hoping
and hoping
and hoping.

I could tell you the truth.
I could make myself feel better by doing so
Maybe our relationship would be better by doing so
Maybe it was just my pride.

But as of now, I won't tell you...

It wouldn't solve anything.